yeah. i hate the internet. seriously. i can't hide in it like i used to. there's no place for me anymore. i stare at it and maybe i talk to someone and maybe i read or write something or maybe i just stare at it some more until i shut it off and go to sleep. or stare at something else.

i'm not in a good mood. but i'm not in a bad mood. and you can't really call it a neutral mood. it's actually quite a lonely mood. even though i got back about a half hour ago from hanging out with steph and summer and elise, which is always a big bunch of entertainment. and i could have had elise drop me off at nick's but i don't ever want to be a nuisance and plus he's got to get up early for volunteering and i've got to get up early to go to work two hours early (what oh what am i going to do with myself) so instead i decided to come back here and even though my dad's not here anymore there's still walking up the driveway with that feeling of i just don't want to be here. maybe it's not being here, maybe it's just being alone. cause really, here isn't so bad, all things considered. my room and i are starting to get a little more acquainted. in the past two days i managed to get the rest of the boxes emptied and now i just have to organise the rest of the junk.. which will be much easier when my dad collects the rest of his things and we can use his closet for storage space. once he gets the rest of his things we can use his room for storage cause he 'bought us this trailer for christmas' and then we kicked him out. maybe i'm not strong maybe i'm not clever to ignore it maybe i'm dead in the heart. maybe my central organ is just plain iced over. maybe i should stop thinking of these kinds of words because this is what puts me in a worse mood then i was before. and then i want to hit things.

it's been a half hour since i started writing and it feels like a lot longer. i really should go to sleep. but i don't know how to get up and go in my room. i fucking hate when this happens. cause if i'd just stop whining and go in there i'd go to sleep and be fine. but no i have to sit out here and pout and listen to cartoons and stare at fake flowers and drop myself into a fucking bad mood. what the fuck.

in other news, elise had a great party. i had too many white russians and a few shots of tequila (i even did them the right way) and i don't recall talking too loudly or being too obnoxious.. except for when we were pissing off her downstairs neighbors.. but really, that is the fault of whoever put on nsync.. i cannot resist choreographed dance and 'bye bye bye' is just so easy.

i like my job because it is really quite easy and because i have decent benefits and my raise in upwards of ten cents but downwards of fity should be going through soon and they made me customer service team member of the month (i get a parking spot! but alas, no car to speak of) but seriously, i'm fucking bored with it. the thought of going there is dreary because i can tell you exactly what will happen to-morrow. i will go to work and stand around for fifteen to thirty minutes and i will check my email and maybe i will do a return or a check-out or two or i will find some tagging to do. and then i will stand around and check the messages fifty thousand times and do a return report too early and spend seven to twelve minutes in the bathroom staring at the tiles at least three times a day. i will get yelled at by some crotchety old person who cannot accept the fact that we do not return open fucking software (it's not even us, the fcc wills it so) and i will curse the compusa radio. i will take my lunch as late as possible because the later i go, the later i come back, and the less time there is until i get to leave. i will walk to publix and back in fifteen minutes and will avoid conversation in the breakroom by listening to my cd player much too loud for my aging ears. i will clock back in and spend another ten minutes in the bathroom then go back to work and do it all over again. i will try to weasel my way into getting out early even if only two minutes it is still a victory for me. and that will be my day tomorrow because that was the day i had the last time i worked, and the day before that.

so if you are not satisfied girl, why not just get another job? because they all end up the same. there is a routine i will fall into and while it will be entertaining for awhile i eventually get bored with it. or maybe i'm just in a low fucking mood.

when i sit like this with my head tilted far enough that my ear is pressed against my shoulder, i can hear my fingers moving from the inside. this is how i used to sit when i was on the computer. how i used to sit in creative writing class with my arm slung over my head (silly sped).

i need to start doing something with myself and stop being such a goddamn waste of materials. my grandmother sent me that eighthundred dollars so i could get out of the bad graces of the university but we had to use that for rent this month. i've finally accepted the fact i am a comedian and what may come of that will come but i can't really classify that as doing something with myself.

i should also stop being such a lame.. thing and stop this bad mood business. because it really is quite ridiculous and not very lucrative.

i really should delete this like all the rest of them.

crabcrabcrab. silly little crustacean creep up on me why don't you.