infected myself with spyware, and then my monitor pooped out on me. spent a week without a computer and didn't really care, only missed certain things.

work's been going allright. i need a second job or a better one, and though i got over the week i was wholly disgusted with the entire place and have moved back into having a good time at work...

eh, i don't know. it's work.

it's been up and down this past week. i think i'm moving forward and moving ahead and then i'm retracing my own steps.

i saw autumn for half a second yesterday. i was sitting in the chair by the window, reading american gods, listening to crooked fingers the air (that has now been fixed) was on, but the windows were open.

and briefly.. there it was, floating in on a quiet breeze, spilling over the windowsill to say hello, and i smiled

then i turned off crooked fingers to finish reading, because it distracts too much, it makes me think too much; i sleep with the tv on so i dream about lebanon and israel and pakistan and local crimes instead of the things in my head

cause.. why.

there is a heavy sigh that follows the strain of missing someone who will not be replaced..

..there's a low song in this movie, and i wouldn't have ever known who that was otherwise; it's always the music with you [thankyou]

..and knowing it's going to be a long road towards letting go--and obviously improvement has been made, otherwise that sentence would still be nearly impossible to be said.

goddamn ie windows keep popping up. where are the instructions my uncle gave me to rid myself of these things? where were my seamstresses eyes?

so now i know what it's like to date someone for a week. i've always said i've never been able to understand it--how you can begin to get familiar with someone and then just up and stop, but that's what happens when i dip my toe into the water and realise i'm terrified of sharks, or maybe i've got hydrophobia like that dog we had that one time--

but i got lucky and met someone who understands what it is like, and the point of it all was that i told the truth instead of making up some little lie to disguise it, so it looks better, so it hurts less. he says he thinks i'm afraid, and i told him i think he's right, but it's not just that

it's that i'm just not ready. on many different levels. too soon for not enough. and i am enjoying my time to myself, or so i have made myself believe. natural or artificial, it is still the way.

so i dipped in a toe and made tiny waves, but they will grow no larger for now--as the larger they are, the farther they roll, and the more it affects others than just myself--and i am in no mood to hurt someone again. not someone else, and not myself.

---

i like my new monitor, for it is a 19 instead of a 17. it doesn't make that big of a difference, but it's nice to feel i have extra space.

extra space. i was going through my trunk full of papers before my computer went pfft. minimize. renew. i may have found a place to live in october. i want to have a yard sale, and sell these things that i have, that are nice to have but take up too much space. speakers, the refridgerator, and my child-self i'm sorry, but i think we'll say goodbye to your desk.

i'm tired of carrying so much around with me. i want to unpack for once and live in a place for real--something i haven't done in quite a few years.

i need to find my son. he called me the other night, sitting outside the garage of the apartment complex he used to live in, and his phone went dead. i'm not about to take responsibility for someone, and i've never met the kid--but it kills me, i just can't have it, and i can offer what help i can.

--

yes. there is something for writing to myself but putting it out in public, i said to jordan in conversation the other day. it's still a release if it's in a book or on paper... but there's something more for me when i speak truth for eyes other than my own... i'm rambling now and lost the flow. or found it, one of the two.

i have work in an hour and things to do. fly right, sleep straight

(and pour one out for the kitty on the mountaintop)