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i got very sad when i got off the phone last night. it happened in the interim between my phone running out of battery and plugging it into the wall. when i talked to you it went away. when we hung up, it came back. i got sad about my mother even though in moving i will be closer to her. sad about my family. sad about the friends and the place i will be leaving. i made myself go to sleep, fully clothed, sweater, both blankets. i dreamt about cake. different kinds of cake in different colors in colorful boxes lining a table. there was something going on with that, but once i got to that room i saw a girl standing by the wall. don't remember how it came to this, but we were face to face, she was pale and she had been hurt. it could have been tara. i talked to her very firmly. told her that she did not deserve this treatment, should not be with someone who was going to hurt her, i tried to get through to her, to tell her how beautiful she was and why didn't she see it, but it was almost like she didn't hear me i tried to fight him when he came around and i swung like a maniac, i pushed, i acknowledged the fact that nothing was happening that gee, i thought fighting was only like this in dreams, but here we are in real life. i was smacking him in the face, backwards, forwards, trying to poke him in the eye, all kinds of stuff, and nothing. i'd feel the fury until the moment before i'm about to connect, and then it's like i'm standing too far away i remember thinking that i did not actually want to hurt him and that is why i wasn't allowed. it wasn't important enough, even though i was angry. or i'm afraid of the feeling of the fist through the face or the needle into the skin and at no point did i realise it was a dream, i didn't even remember it until i started typing this at some point i went back to the cake. a) that's what i get for talking about fighting dreams the other day
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