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13 October 2002
2:56 pm

my body likes to fuck with me. hardcore.

"oh, sara, is this an inopportune time? oh, it is? TOO BAD. MWAHAHWAHWHA. and guess what, oh, i'm not serious, you still have to wait a couple days!"
"fuck you, body! ..wait. really? a couple days?"
"sure."
"yesssss!"
"not!"
"you are a dirty rotten scoundrel. and that was fucking lame, you fink."
"shutup or i'll knock you out."
"yes ma'am."

i've been up since ninethirty. i went to bed at sixthirty. i've written four five different paragraphs here and erased them. it damn well better be raining shortly. it's going to rain and i'm going to love it.

i never imagined us together, either. well. that's not true. i'd certainly imagined it, but how far can you go when you don't really know each other and circumstances aren't providing anyhow.

things work in amusing ways.

that first time i went to the studio with angie and we got lost [not just because clearwater has strange magnetic pulls from every which way causing directional incapability] because when i get nervous i can't drive. only i wasn't letting myself know what was going on. i watched like i do, like watching tennis matches. back and forth back and forth. guitar drums bass guitar drums bass drums guitar bass guitar guitar guitar guitar guitar-- okay sara STOP looking at him. and don't you talk, don't you say more than three sentences or words will fall out of your mouth and oh honey, you will be in trouble. and yes, the first time i got him alone i had my hand on his head and. i just couldn't help it. but sometimes i am terribly glad i have no will [because i tell you, i told myself over and over i was going to keep it a secret.]

i don't know where that all spilled out from. tired brain says hello. i don't like most of the sentences i'm writing these days. i like what they're about, sure. but the words, the placement. it's all disjointed and ordinary and irritating and i don't know how to fix it. i'm clogged.

a;lkdjaswowowoooooh. that lightning must have been close because it sounded like a damned gunshot. BANG.

rain! time to go play.