i am tired of it being 2:45 and not having done anything but gone to the bank to deposit less money than i would have had if i'd deposited it three days ago. i'm tired of money. i'm tired of living here. i'm tired of the same escalating nonsense every fucking month. i'm tired of holding back rushing rivers with sticks and stones. i'm tired of never being able to keep my room clean. so tired i haven't touched it in weeks. i'm tired of something i shouldn't be tired of yet. something i love but just don't want to have the energy for. that's exasperation. point.

i'm tired of sleeping and sleeping and waking up sleepy, i'm tired of the temperature. i'm tired of being hungry for everything except for food (mmm sustinance). i'm tired of not being able to get it together, i'm tired of smashing the truck. i'm tired of not reading not learning, i'm tired of not making music, i am SO UNBELIEVABLY tired of not writing, i'm tired of not being able to catch a full breath. i'm tired of running this fucking maze and not getting anywhere unfamiliar. i'm tired of feeling there's nothing behind most of these doors.

i'm tired of whining and complaining. i'm tired of not being able to feel ANYTHING without some contradicting guilt thing right on it's tail. i am tired of dishonesty, of malcontent, of situations i have no control over having their advantage taken. i'm tired of one arm being stronger than the other. i'm tired of being understanding. tired of playing an unwanted mediator. tired of being the cleanup crew. i'm tired of fighting the knowledge: i am normal and this is all in my head and you are not crazy, girl, your mind is just lagging. i'm tired of making no sense, but really, being perfectly plain. i'm tired of not having a voice. tired of not even bothering to try in the first place, cause i know i'm tired of belittling things like this, thinking things like this are just looking for attention.

I AM TIRED OF BEING UNABLE TO MAKE EVEN SIMPLE DECISIONS LIKE WHERE TO EAT OR WHAT TO SAY NEXT.

i am tired of three hours and six weeks passing when i thought it'd been just five minutes. i am tired of returning to this because i am not unhappy. just cornered.

"breathe better," says sleep as he goes to work. i'll find a way. [i'm tired of thinking of more things and coming back to edit this. this is at least the fifth time. though i like clicking on a button that says 'make changes'.]