two nights ago i dreamt i was talking to angie's mom and i told her if angie ever comes around to tell her to call me. i haven't talked to her or seen her in weeks. months since we've actually hung out. my brother's heard from her more than i have.

i remember now why i don't go to walmart during the day. the concentration of people in that place at 11:30 in the morning is absolutely ridiculous. it's so much more comfortable when you have free room to move and wander between aisle and aisle. one woman apologised to another for almost running into her with her cart. "oh, i'm sorry... that's how i drive on the highway!" i burst out laughing. she assured me it was true. i made a point to avoid her big red cadillac.

walmart is full of christmas music and christmas shiny things and little children yelling for their mothers because surely this thing is greater than the last and they will surely not wake up tomorrow if it doesn't belong to them NOW. as is the rest of society. it is a hard day's work trying to absolve one's self from the holiday burn seeping through the cracks. so i give in to the madness and start planning christmas lists and cards and ooh gold glitter with little green leaves. i won't have the money i will wish i could spend but it's not like i'm not a part of a family who continues to give gifts from santa claus, long after the day in the laundry room all the fictional holiday characters were dispelled. i haven't heard any silver bells yet, but i'm sure when i do i will be running headfirst to sell my cds for extra money.

i'm buying myself a fancy shiny guitar and then i suppose all funds will be devoted to the above paragraph. but now that i've said i was going to buy a guitar by the end of november and actually done it.. all money after end of the year purchases will be stacked away for that other thing i keep saying i'll do but just keep pushing away.

it's amusing to me, what with all my personal finance troubles, with those of the household, with those of everyman on the street, that i don't take money more seriously. i was paying off my credit debt until they didn't take the money out the last month i was supposed to pay, and i haven't heard from them, nor have i been able to find the number. i don't even know how much i have left. i've really got to get on that. digression. technically, i'm broke. the house is broke. everyone is broke. and i drop over three hundred dollars on a guitar. i could have easily spent that money on food or helping out or blah blah blah and i wonder if this makes me selfish.

but i already don't have any money. i don't understand why i'd want to be miserable on top of that. so i go out of my way to lessen the severity of the pull of the almighty dollar. maybe i'm not accomplishing much and bills burn right through gas tanks and bellies and impulses. but i will not sit and mourn financial gain. i wish other people could understand that.