oh how did december third catch up so quickly? i am sitting here desperately trying to write these words from the past few days but just can't get it together. i want to put it down and not fall asleep with a pen in my hand and candles by the bedside still burning [because oh, it's a more difficult task to ignore the backspace key and glide along with the cursor like following ink that bleeds from the tip of a ball point pen]

but i just can't get it together and i fear the less i practice the less i'll care, the less i'll do.

now that i've fooled myself into writing, i suppose i'll just get on with it. the things i have to go through.

after rehearsal brad and i have taken to agreeing to see each other at barnes & noble [which means i hide until given the opportunity to sneak up behind him. today i spied him hiding under a pair of headphones in the jazz section and as per usual he caught me before i got too close.. when will i learn i do not blend into open spaces?]. this monday no different, we ended up lounging around in the sexuality aisle. and when i say lounging i mean:

[don't ask]
we look for a book my friend's mother wrote. we don't see it. we laugh at dr. ruth. we laugh at other things. we get interested in other books. we sit. we read. we block the aisle. we lay around for an hour.

we educated ourselves in various ways and had simple & ordinary conversation about things of a personal nature and it was comfortable and friendly. i perused.. ahem. 'the complete idiot's guide to amazing sex' from cover to cover. what i'm really wondering is: it is a complete guide for the idiot, or is it a guide for complete idiots? i read and looked over things and much of it i had already read or had field experience with.. but most of the help to do with the most common of issues seems it might actually do some good. the only thing to be counted as discouraging was the average of four minutes-- and never in my days, not in the furthest i'd gone in the passion of a solitary flavor had that been anywhere near reasonable. but things are changing. and. well. yes. ...other things were studied and had things written down and watching felice with her fingers soothing the muscle aches of the staff of the restaurant.. hopefully will result in knowing what to do and where to place my hands.

tomorrow it is a must that i clean and clean and clean until i go to work again. one week and it feels like i live at work. i spend a week going in on my days off to sit around and eat and chatter like a squirrel.

except for saturday.

saturday i requested off and was scheduled at five. then the schedule was changed to have me work all day. i spoke to paul and was promptly taken off the schedule. i spent all day with nick and his people at the wedding of corey's sister. it was a lovely and interestingly amusing thing that made it's point to be particularily ________ when it dropped flowers at my feet and despite the word 'fate' coming from the background chatter i still felt like i'd cheated when i picked them up [i gave them a chance, i did]. and little did i know that part of the tradition was to have the garter slid up my leg by someone i'd seen once or twice at elgg rivven shows. but the day was lovely, the night was too, and all days here and in between have been equal. this is a lie. work is a rotten fish and i've held the job for almost a year and while the temptation to write a book is as great as i would feel bad for leaving the girls like that, i am getting bored and restless with doing the same thing over and over again and having to deal with all these people i cannot figure out [which is really what it is. waitressing, this strange performance art mixed with random human contact].

__________________. more and more. the more i get, the more i want. i may know it, but actually admitting it to myself and understanding it is getting easier. the inevitable insecurities that rise to the top are learning to shut the fuck up for awhile and let things be.

the mute button gets jammed in as far as it will go. as long as everything can just be smooth and quiet and ___________ as long as i can get it as long as i can take it until i explode.

strange rambling things ended at 5:20. i am very tired, you know.