and that's what i get for listening to the flaming lips while laying down and waiting for six am. because the flaming lips is riding down an interstate through parts of florida i've never seen curled up in the backseat of a speedy black turtle car with my head pressed against the window pressed against spattering rain.

yeah, i fell asleep. and slept almost twelve hours. sleeping is nice, yes. not everyone gets enough sleep. but holy holy, if i could sleep four hours and wake myself up i'd probably be a much better version of myself. not nearly so stupid and lazy. but as it is alarm clocks don't work, my family doesn't think to wake me up anymore (and they've almost all but stopped bitching as well), and the only thing to make me sit up right and roll out from under the blankets of doom is the soundbyte attached to the window that tells me nick is online.

too many things to do during the day that can't get done when i sleep till fucking two o'clock. there are mediocre christmas lists to write out and glitter and construction paper to buy. there is a new job to find [that hopefully won't just be seasonal retail, i'll cut off my feet]. i still haven't seen what my room looks like clean with it's new layout of furniture, so a trip to walmart last night brought home new hangers [and a 40 watt light bulb so the little green lamp wil be happy again] to hang all my clothes on. historians say the last time i had clothes hanging in more than half my closet was over two years ago. this should indeed solve the problem of the clothes all over the floor, if i can just manage to hold on to the consistency. there is a drama teacher to visit and volunteer coordinator slash mentor who i have not seen since last school year despite a phone call and the disappointment in myself grows and grows. ..i've nothing to show for my time except a whole handful of reassurance.

but yesterday i made myself a calendar to hopefully give myself a sense of time and the passing of such, because that is something i am severely lacking. i've now told the family that as much as i appreciate not having to get up at seven o clock in the morning to drive matt to school, i've got to be the one doing it again, or i will sleep all day long and nothing persits nothing drives on and if there is one thing i am tired of, it is nothing.

i start to wake up and out with a fury of words, a hailstorm of blandness until i let my mind relax and just as soon as i might find something interesting i'm done.