i'm sick and when i say sick i mean my head has taken on the characteristics of a brick of sponge.

two minutes and fortyeight seconds pass.

i don't know who sent this song to me. beautiful people - the sea... eventually. i should make a point to find out. i'll forget.

i do think things, i just don't always know how to express them. today i went to barnes and noble in search of a calendar and found only women and other countries and scooby doo and a pig named olivia. i almost took olivia home (because olivia is a character who saves holidays and lives in red, white and shades of grey. or is it black. is grey a shade of black, or is black a shade of white? no. that's a typo. is black a shade of grey?

look look i said i was sick first off. that's my excuse.

point of the barnes and noble story is that i went to the bathroom and passed through the philosophy aisle and it managed to reach out and grab me at the end. i went straight for 'introducing sartre' which is more pictures than it is words and that's all fine, it's not a thick book. i put the book back on the shelf about halfway through but not before writing down something from a page about a story of a girl who ran off with pierre in front of henri and let herself be pulled between henri and her friend who was in favor of pierre. whoever pulled the hardest would make the decision for her, because she didn't want to be responsible for it. and i wrote down:

only a being which was afraid of its freedom, and of the responsibility which this freedom brings with it, would seek to behave in this way.

the wish for a recording of the things i let happen to me and the things that i did over the past year [no year and a half or two years] is the push to keep writing or at the end of this year i'll be saying the same thing and i will have accomplished nothing. and the hope is to keep the faith that i had the skill i think i don't now. because i've had the idea that this year is THE year, whatever i mean by that. one week in, and what, and what.

i need to go get that car. and put my numbers for today in. don't forget.

sean's dog [yes elise's dog] and becca's dog have both died in the past week or so.

once when i was a young and stranger girl i was reading a book in a house of some of the neighborhood boys. at a particularily frightening passage, i threw the book at the floor and huddled in the chair dramatically [nevermind the book was of the sweet valley high scary variety oh don't we love book series designed for girls].

okay, yes, that last paragraph was completely random, i apologise.