'MSN helps you find cheaper gas prices!' triggers thoughts that maybe it's all just a big sham, a very bizzare parade that we are menat to experience and understand [the clever trick of not being able to explain it properly

cause don't i know these often don't make sense to anyone but me, or at least not as they should.. and even i'm beginning to lose the grip, it's why i stutter and start again and push push like a car with the parking break on

from one idea to the next [i won't let the words be] without transition, it's more recorded thought processes than real writing

that certainly doesn't make any real sense.

i'm just. very confused. which is how it's supposed to be. it's how things happen and just when i think i understand it, i understand that i don't, and that is the way to understand something.

i asked myself, 'am i ready to settle down now?' and i didn't know what i meant but today there were two letters from florida prepaid college plan. a year ago these letters would have been thrown out and that's probably what happened to the ones i would have gotten last year. in short, whether i choose to or not, i CAN go to school. i stare at it like i stare at my book of money that says i could probably move out in a month or so.

[elise told me her dad didn't like me not because of what i did to his son but because he thought i was intelligent and my dropping out of school was a waste of talent.]

ask me what i'll be doing in a year or six months or even say, two.

i'll look at you with wide eyes and a blank stare and state a few obvious things but look look, it's already april. don't forget that this is the year i was waiting for, because sometimes you just know things. this is the year and this is the fourth month and this is spring. but.

i say i will move out and get a job and maybe go to school [ha] but i don't know what these things mean.

blah blhahaha.

there are lots of things that are going to happen. i can see some of them. but i haven't quite pinned what i feel which means i'm probably in that stage of denial i said i wasn't in.

i have been late all this week. go to work, dork.