from now on, when i am asked "what do you want for your birthday / holiday / random gift giving opportunity?" i will tell them a blank book. with the first page already written.

gross, huh? yeah, i thought so too. but i want it.

my whole fucking body hurts like i'm old. and everyone at work makes me feel guilty for it because they're all considerably older than me and oh look. i'm the youngest again. my wrist is fairly numb and my left shoulder is panicking. i've been sitting on this stool to help out my wrists but my back doesn't appreciate it much, especially since i slept on the floor last night.. oh! and the dreams i had [since i slept to a slothful 4:30 in the afternoon]. it was a stressful dream if i've ever had one. i'd say it was a nightmare. yeah. it freaked me the fuck out. i wish i could remember the details. there was this man in the front yard. i was here with matt and amy [because they're back together and it's cute like it was when they first started it all and they had a 'fight' today

[you know every night when i finally come in my room i forget to close my door all the way and it rests just barely open and at some point i hear it blow slightly open and just slightly close and it is hot floridian nighttime-- there is no soft tugging breeze. it scares me quite a bit, the door, the sounds outside my window so! when i move to an apartment building i will cross my fingers for floor two.. ]

they had a fight and she walked to farm store and back and felt better. these kids are funny.] this man in the front yard did something and i don't remember what it was, but it wasn't something good so i went outside and i beat him up and i kicked him the stomach a few times and then i ran back inside and closed it and locked it before he could get his fingers through [because with my brother, oh, i am a master at that] and we shut and locked all the windows and he was staying in the front yard and he sat there and stared at me in the way elise cat scares me the way steph's animals stare at her and it was the worst feeling ever. his eyes were blue and they were green and they were yellow they could have been any color. he called the police on his cell phone and we were running around panicking and

then we were in the house in dunedin-- my brother, my father and i (this is the second time this has happened, running to this house when something has happened) -- and there was a black smudge on the floor. i asked what it was and was told it was a fingernail, and i said holy shit what did you do, and they told me they killed the man outside the window with the eyes and i said well, fuck! what did you do with them? and they said do you see your old blanket over there? and i swore a whole lot more and said what the fuck do you plan to do? and they told me very briefly they would wait until it blew over and then would deal with his body and thankfully i don't remember the visions of the details to those plans. i was told i should go to my room and i would find it exactly how i'd left it. and just like the last dream it was filled with stuff i'd had only it was completely different than last time. this time it was a ridiculously large amount of things. bunkbeds and stuffed animals and a tori amos poster i could probably draw if i tried hard enough, and i wish i could remember the smashing pumpkins poster because it was adorable. it was like. a cave of Good Feelings somewhere in the back of my mind.

[the problem with this dream is that i woke up quite often
my mind may have just connected a lot of dreams
or put itself on pause
i don't know how dreams work
you'd think i would]

i wasn't in the cave long at all before i started panicking about my computer. of all fucking things. it was black. it was nice. it had a leonardo davinci design on it. it was completely erased of everything. it had started itself over. [i've been getting my files ready to burn on to cds in case my computer decides to give up someday soon, as i suspect it soon will] everything i'd written everything i didn't want to lose-- was gone. and i knew it was okay, but it was GONE and i went back to that feeling i have in these dreams, the one of stress and confusion and knowing that this can't be REAL. this can't be actually happening. but it is and it's not making sense. and i kept looking through things on the computer and being so lost..

the next part. i don't remember much. i remember going to some building for something, it was all greys. i was there. there were other people i knew but i don't remember. we needed the car. i think we might have been escaping something. maybe not knowing what it was. there was a kid. the car was a big sleek black luxury car and when i say big i mean in all proportions and i was a little too small to drive it [betsy's lincoln], but i managed all right. but i couldn't find the car in the parking lot. there were all kinds of cars like in the parking lot but none of them were mine and i knew that if i just looked hard and careful and long enough i would find it

but nowhere. it was impossible.

and i woke up. or don't remember anything else.

and it was weird. and fun. and hot and painful and long. but. fun all the same.

there are lots of things, even still. hopefully i will remember to get them all