i don't know. that's been running through my head for the past day or so. nick is sitting behind me on his floor playing his guitar and his pedals and his things and i could listen to him all day and night. except eventually it would put me to sleep. and we can't have that, oh no, because i've got be at work at nine in the morning. and i'd rather not be bothering him that early in the morning.

so soon it seems i will go to my house. while there is still a house to go to.

i thought i'd want to write about these things. but. i always try and then feel stupid putting them into words.

simply, my dad is going to sell the house. take the money and buy a three bedroom double-wide trailer. and when i spoke to him on the phone about this earlier, he sounded more willing to talk to me less willing to bury himself alive than he has in weeks. and i say weeks because i've barely been home and when i am i sleep or hide.. up until a week and a half to two weeks ago i was quite unsociable, downright undaughterlike at some moments. events occurred that resulted in these things and my not wanting to be there. the weekend my mother came down and i heard untold stories i probably shouldn't have heard but hey that's my undeniable curiousity for you. the following weekend the doctor prescribed xanax for my father and he went out drinking and we all know how xanax and alcohol don't mix (and if you don't know: they don't. especially not six xanax and many butterfuckers).

[tell your barber you want to stop looking like an asshole. you better cut that mullet, jerk]

and in between there have been bouts of my being fed up episodes of my trying to force my religious and or philosophical views on him, thinking it would help him out of the depression he is, but what can you do with a bull whose horns are rooted deeper than a sequoia tree when you are a flighty young sprite of a lady who does not cannot and will not ever understand. isn't that right.

so. lately, i haven't been home much. but the past week and a half i have been making efforts to be sociable and kind, though i can't say i've been going out of my way to be there. and there is another reason for this, one i meant to write about before and never got to. which is bad, because it was kind of important i write about it, for intrinsic value, not because i need everyone to know [nor do i care if they do]. perhaps i will get to that. perhaps not.

bunch of stuff, i guess. i don't think i even got to what i actually wanted to say, if i even know what that is. i'll finish later. or maybe i'll just ignore till it goes away.