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just the facts, thanks

07 March 2004
1:51 pm

it's been a week, almost exactly to the minute, since i got a phone call at work from my dad. i was about to the leave the breakroom cause i had just clocked back in and the phone started ringing. i went back in to answer it because somehow i just know these things. he was at a payphone. matt snapped, he said. he beat him up and called him an alcoholic and kicked him out of the house, he said. what the fuck. i asked if he had done anything to provoke him. no! he said. something about matt flipping out about the dog. did he want me to come home, i asked. no, he said. what    good    would    that    do. shortly thereafter i hung up on him with a fair amount of force and accidentally threw my (plastic) rootbeer bottle and startled at least two people in the breakroom. i went up to the cs pen and didn't say anything, just grabbed a few things off the return-to-stock cart and gave the impression i was not to be spoken to. if a customer dared to approach me for assistance i'd melt back in to the helpful customer service wench i can be, but otherwise i was the girl with the stern look projecting as many repelling waves as possible.

i should go home i should stay at work if my brother really kicked my dad out then i should stay at work because we're obviously going to need the money but maybe i should go home cause what if my dad goes back there and then things could just get worse i could be mediator i could just stay here and ignore the fact he even called me and just deal with it when i get home fuck this bullshit i shouldn't have to deal with this and briefly, i thought if my brother really did SNAP then that is probably not a place i want to be

"sara, are you okay?" brad asked.

"i need to go home."

that was the first time he's ever given me a real hug.

i got elise to give me a ride home and as i was walking up the driveway my brother came outside.

"i'm sorry," he said. "i'm sorry to put this burden on you, but i just couldn't take it anymore."

i asked him if he was sure this is what he wanted. that it meant a lot of responsibility, emotional and otherwise. and he said he was. then that's all there is to it. we move on from here.

there are, of course, a lot of other details, but i don't feel the need to delve into them right now. i spent the entire last week in the midst of them and my roomcleaning break is going on an hour now (which is ridiculous because that's twice as long as i'd been cleaning).

but you're right, february is just a fucked-up month. i don't suppose i'd ever noticed it before, i'd always heard it was august. but i tend to spend february reflecting on the things that happened the year or two before. february was the month my dad moved back in the house after my mom had moved out. february was the month the fiasco with andy came to a brick wall and consequently the lowest i'd ever been, i'd say. february was the month my brother stumbled around saying, "i don't care, i'll do what i want" even if it ended him up in jail for a month and his friends acquaintances came to the house blaming him for stealing the drugs they had stayed up all night doing. february was the month my brother was lucky enough to get a year of community control--not even house arrest-- (with six years in a federal prison lurking in the shadows if he screws up) for the crimes committed for said jail time and the month we.. well, i already said what happened.

that the past three years worth of februarys and this february was able to just slide right in. it would have happened in march if this hadn't been a leap year. here's to a good february in 2005.