i started to write this entry about how i am in the worst mood ever and ever in the universe. and then what i had got erased by accident. and i can't remember where i was. more water will indeed be the source.

hm. yeah.

i managed to find the worst possible mood ever and drag it from the depths of the briny deep. i managed to keep myself pretty steady throughout the day but upon getting off work and finding out mark was indeed not coming into town and therefore i had no scheduled ride kinda threw me from where i was. and i came home and i laid down to watch don't tell mom the babysitters dead and it just sat and sat and i got sadder and sadder and when nick finally came around and i was watching wild hearts can't be broken and clutching a coca-cola. he asked me what was wrong and i said i haven't been happy the past few days and he said "the past few days?!" as if to say what about the days and days before that? but honestly, i haven't noticed. honestly, i can't remember those other days. there is only this day i happen to be on and the few days before it. i see no pattern, i see no trail, only the stark observation that not only am i not happy, i am what you might call "depressed". be it all the roundtheclock drama around here (or lack thereof) or a yearly trend or a checmical imbalance, i don't know, and i don't care. i just want it to go away.

and don't get me wrong. i am in fact happy. and miserable. it is possible, damn it all.

normally when i get like this, at least, from what i can remember, i don't want to be around anyone. get the fuck away and let me be alone. there are only a few people i feel like being around, right now, but i most certainly do not want to be alone. i wanted to start kicking and screaming on the ride home from nick's house tonight, no joke. i do have some self restraint. but this what it is like inside my head when i am like this. when i first got to nicks and was helping him clean.. i had to force myself to think about the towels i was folding and only the towels, because of all the nasty thoughts running through my head. and i'm like, WHATONEARTHWHEREISTHISCOMINGFROM PLEASEJUSTLEAVEMETHEFUCKALONE

thanks.

and you know, as much as i am thoroughly enjoying this entry, i really do have to go to sleep. it wasn't supposed to be all mishmosh like it is, there was supposed to be a point. but i got distracted by something else.

another one for the trash can that slides right on by..

satellite005: goodnight
satellite005: dream of tiny hippos.
satellite005: and little sea-ponies.

and his smile always brings me out of it..