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out of order / don't be ____

15 November 2004
2:51 am

i had this dream last night. and... i know why i had it, but that doesn't make it any less... whatever it was. i wanted to tell nick about it but i. couldn't wouldn't didn't really want to. not that i didn't want to talk about the dream, but i didn't want to talk about it. hah.

i spent a good portion of the night reading through notebooks, OLD notebooks. the big blue college ruled one that starts out with journal entries. thoughts on sean; things i was feeling for the first time and thought it would be impossible to feel for anyone ever again, yet plain as day it states: it feels like there is something missing. but there on plain paper are the good times, the high school things, the lake st george things, the whole thing embarrasing like writing my first name and his last name (which didn't HAVE to be seen, i tried to protect him. hehe)

and on the yellow lines of legal pads, college (the first attempt) bleeds and drips and tears through pages, lines of nonsense, of things i thought were worthless, things i thought i was scribbling out of boredom, only to see the pen move-- things that you never saw here because i wasn't sure enough about them or maybe i was and that was the problem but it is all there, so fucking obvious to me.

and all this comes together, like eating chinese food and watching a scary movie before bedtime. this was the only dream all night, and it was long: like the dream i wrote about in the big blue book

in the dream, i was getting married. i picked out a big white dress with a woman with brown curly hair and glasses. the days were going by and something was going wrong. i sat in this room and looked at this dress, and i said, something is not right here. i am not supposed to be here, doing this. and the days went on, and still i was getting married and things were getting excited and everyone was happy, but i knew i had to make a decision, but what? i didn't know. the boy (who at first, was jon. later, became sean) was pleased and he liked my white dress and the day came of the wedding and i was running on green hills and i became concious for a minute and i said, "nick." oh man, hey wait. i ran to the house, and i said "hey boy, i cannot marry you, because there is someone else, there was someone first. this can't be happening. i have to find him, i have to see if he even thinks he could marry me. because if he can't, then maybe i will reconsidered, but if he could, even for a second think he might, then this white dress is all yours, pal." and the boy was sad, and so was his mother. and i ran off in search of nick.

who i don't think i actually found him, cause i ended up at this drive in movie theater with a bunch of people on a blanket and we were being held by these people (probably fratellis since we nearly fell asleep to the goonies) and escaping killing magic wonderness that sort of thing. but sean was there. and he wasn't mad at me. so we escaped the fratellis together and defeated the madness and saved all the people and oh! there he was. nick showed up after it was all over. we all breathed a sigh of relief and went our seperate ways. sean his, and nick & i.

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and this doesn't lessen what i felt for sean then, what i feel for nick now [andy, you get no mention cause you were a stupid fuck]-- in fact, it only serves to strengthen cause in this life we never travel one path. sometimes we take the turns together; sometimes we part with a smile and a wave (no concern for circumstance)