mm.. this is my favourite holiday, favourite favourite more than all the rest. some people don't care about the turning of the new year, cause it's just another page in another calendar and i. have such a wonky relationship with Time (we are great friends and bitter enemies) that i can't help but celebrate the cycle of his non existance.

and it's fun. because it is renewal and change and all these great things even if they are only self imposed.

and new years is black and blue and pink and purple and silver sparkely. like a faraway galaxy in the science books. figure 18.

so i will have my new year's party tonight, the first one i've had in a few years. and i will have it in my trailer instead of my house because the house is cold and the trailer was more accessible and easy to decorate (after a million hours of cleaning and a million more to go that i will have to squeeze in to the two hours between the time i get off work and the time people show up) and. i have never had people over. last night was one of very few times elise and i actually hung out at my house--i cleaned and she cooked pasta for me. and we played pool with my brother. elise hung out with my brother. and they said vulgar things together and it was lovely.

(and then my brother says to me, "guess who i saw in walmart?"
and i say, "that's a long list to choose from, who was it?"
"no, just guess."
"okay, is it a friend of mine?"
"..not exactly a friend." and his voice changed a little
i didn't think he knew--maybe i did tell him
either way, i thought he moved away. i guess this town is bigger than i thought it was. fucker.)

today rick came into the store after i dreamt his name last night and i haven't seen nor thought of him in who knows how long.

today my mother called and told me the loan application was finally accepted by the website.. i don't mean i have the money, i just mean it was finally.. uh. entered into the system.

so i will bring ganesha out for the party and set him on the bookshelf with his mouse and the sacrificial girl mijo and he can enjoy the good time instead of sitting in that dark room.

---

i don't know how to describe this year.

but i am an adult now, the recieving of tequila at christmas was my ritual of passage, as i decided.

damn you computer; there is so much i've wanted to write down and i am always too lazy to pick up the book and do it.

:D

byebye2004