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consolation prize

09 March 2005
2:12 pm

i opened my mouth a little bit last night, and i didn't say much--at least, i didn't feel like i did. a few random ramblings about fear and insecurity and problems with intimacy because i have never really known how to open my mouth, the complete opposite of elise, who can say whatever is on her mind and let the other person take it how they will. i just don't know how. or i am afraid. so i did my best in the three minute drive we had from taco bell back to thomas sign and awning. and i don't think i said much, but i must have because i feel a little bit better.. and when i cried last night, it wasn't all because he wanted to be alone (i know that i have to let him be ____ even when all i want is to not be ____ anymore). it was because i want this to be OVER. i don't want to feel this way, i want to let go of it, i don't want to worry, i don't want to be insecure.

i am tired of feeling like i'm losing a battle that doesn't exist but in my head. i don't want to feel like i'm losing when i know--because i've been told--that i've already won.

and between the talking and the crying and the actual sleeping i did last night, i feel a little bit better. the ball of fire in my stomach is quietly burning itself out--and i've tested it, too! throw another combustible on the pyre and it flares up for a second to engulf the whole thing raw... and then quiets itself again before i have the chance to notice.

tonight i will continue to eradicate this madness (and i'm sure i will be back to reach out to the edges of my vocabulary) and i will work hard for it and this weekend i will have my boy and we will watch his sister and charles get married. and we will go to gainesville (and i will clean out my car while working with this madness) and look around at this town, this place people go to when they are ready to do things. and i will enjoy the whole blessed thing because i am looking forward to it; i need a good weekend.

hi guys, i'm in a good mood again