i've been quiet, haven't i. i've been silent, still. i am keeping busy like they said. doing my best to stay out of my head. otherwise i'd end up in a gutter, dead.

hahaha. i am in a silly mood. mister johnson called and said i won something for that crazy truck driver thing i wrote. i won something in the book category. i have won awards for writing. i guess that makes me a writer.

but seriously. thismess is the only thing i think about, even when i am trying not to think about it. i am up and down and up and down, but mostly up. i find myself in this weird zone of optimism brought on by too much understanding in my chatty little universe. maybe i am delusional, maybe i am feeding demons and pretending it is all not real.. but i don't feel that way; i feel okay.

and it is werird to feel this way, to feel okay a week after waking up with my fists clenched and my eyes shut because i was hoping so much that i would have woken up someplace anyplace else. does it still hurt? oh yes. have i even seen him yet? no, he went to indiana to say goodbye or say hello or something something. i don't know but i do know the vowels on the end of that word roll off down the slope and go spinning at the end of the dip into the air--this is not the place for such mindless writing right now.

i am okay for several reasons, but he said, let it be the bottom. something to that effect. and i wanted no advice from him--no, no. i wanted it, but i didn't want to take it. i didn't want him to be right about anything, but he was. i won't deny it.