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10 May 2005
1:10 pm

i feel low today; i feel like garbage, trash, refuse. i don't feel very positive. there is hope in my heart and it is weighing very heavy on my head. heart and head, head and heart, why the hell is there such a difference, it is all the same mystery and
this hope is heavy and i can feel cracks appearing in its shiny surface, my support beams are weakening and this tin roof might just fall, cause i hate it here, i hate it here.. and this hope feels so heavy because he seems so right and on top and serene with it all. i'm standing at the bottom looking up wondering how the hell he can seem a way when i haven't really talked to him for almost a week.

but hey, this is just writing, right? these are just the thoughts that fly through my head in the morning [every morning] and as soon as i go to work and involve myself in some ones and zeros or some meaningless repetitive faux managerial paperwork [front-end manager, here i come; more money, here i come; a future? with a company? how godawful, but here i come] it will be pushed to the side where it will stay as long as i don't listen to the radio or no one asks me if i'm okay or i don't look up...

1:18 and it is time to leave.