_____________. really. i'm just. the world works for me and i don't know why.

that being said, you would think i'd be in a jolly mood--and i was. i woke up in a fantastic mood--woke up laughing, even. love those dreams that cause me to break into laughter and then wake myself up. listened to the hackers soundtrack on the way to work, never fails to lift one up. walked into work with my held high, didn't get fired like i knew i wouldn't... the day went smoothly, went well..

and i can see where it started to shift, started to crack... the office was winding down, i was thinking more about what amy had said, i was getting confused cause there were too many people in the office and it started to sink.. slowly at first, until i got in my car and the same song that made me feel fantastic--always makes me feel fantastic--dropped my mood like it was a hot match. the drive home only propelled it further, muck seeping in like i am used to it or something, used to the squishy feeling in between my toes and filling up my nose.. and i get home and curse the heat, curse the bugs, curse this place, curse myself

so i will force myself into bed--maybe that's it.. i know i have to be responsible and put myself to bed, and i don't like it, so im throwing a temper tantrum. or maybe or maybe or maybe i'm just crazy. or a self indulgent little brat.

at any rate, i can't stop it when it comes. whether i do it to myself or myself does it to me, i haven't found a way out of it yet, at least not one within me.

this is stupid, i'm gonna shut up and go to sleep. or lay there and stare at the ceiling. shhh.