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kjdkdivhnabala

12 July 2005
4:07 pm

i've had a few moments these days.. these days indeed, wandering through this wormhole and..

friday i started to breathe heavily as soon as i saw the setlist. haven't done a shower in a few weeks, barely been at comedy zone since we started there. i went out to my car to take a breath, take a moment and brad called from the door.. the show is starting. already, i thought, no warm up, no chance for escape unless i drove away right this second... but fuck it, they need me, and this happens, but i'm fine once i get on stage, right? right? i ran in, took my seat shakily. laughed when it was appropriate and i was starting to get cloudy, my leg started to bounce, i held my hands tight in my lap. made it through question game just barely and i could feel them all looking at me, waiting for me to say something and i gave the bare minimum. freeze tag started, never my strong point to pause it and jump in, and the longer i waited, the harder it got, i could feel the freeze! slipping from the tip of my tongue and down my throat, warm and uncomfortable and the scenes kept going longer and the more frustrated i got, the harder i tried to smile, cause i knew i wasn't moving, i knew i needed to DO SOMETHING

so i did. i panicked.

pressed up against the wall, i caught brad's eye. "i am not okay." i was about to cry. here, on the stage where all comedy comes from tragedy, but i just couldn't let it out. i couldn't break the seal, couldn't hear that satisfying zzzpoP! the game was over quickly after that and i hid behind a chair and cried for the next three games.


and i would say more, especially about my little five minute episode today, which is what i intended to write about, but! i must go back to work! YAY! WORK!