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stay with me

26 July 2005
8:56 pm

i went to the beach to swim, seeking the countenance of the sun at six-thirty--an hour before it really got going, really turned the fires on to burn a big red hole in the sky. at six-thirty it was simple and pure: blue skies, wispy clouds, sun shining like i've drawn it since kindergarden (how it is supposed to look, not how it comes out on paper). i swam back and forth between two buildings until i came face to face with a dead fish. i got a little paranoid about every little thing touching my leg arm nose back space and i swam a little more. dug my fingers and toes in the sand and held my position against the waves--which weren't so quick and strong today, but all the same, i anchored myself.

out of the water, i walked down the shore. turned around, jogged halfway back. realised i was too wimpy and it was too bright with too many people around for me to finish and fall and roll around as i should. i slowed my jog to a walk to standing still and suddenly i sat. carved lines in the sand with my heels. kept my back straight as i could while leaning back on my arms. watched the sun change from goldenrod to a bright rose. when my emptiness had filled or my fullness had become empty, i leaned forward. head to knees. palms to sand. and felt it rise.. slowly at first, then a quick rush... then a pause.. relax, it said. don't expect so much and it will come to you. and a gentle flow followed.

i stood when i felt like i had slept for awhile. i moved fluidly, didn't feel clumsy. slung my towel 'round my neck and walked across the sand. i saw a guy and a girl, fully clothed, picking their place and sitting down. getting comfortable. i wanted to sneak up behind them. "excuse me," i would say. "are you here to watch the sunset?"
"yes," one would say, and the other would nod.

"then why are you wearing sunglasses?"

they would stare blankly (or so i would imagine, behind those sunglasses) and i would turn away. i smiled at myself as i walked back to my car, playing out this little scenario in my head and i noticed that feeling i got from that imagined conversation was in every pore, every vein, every eyelash. i walked with movement and my feet felt as though they were above the sand instead of sinking into it.

[early day miners - longwall]