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would you take my candlelight?

09 August 2005
1:42 am

he kisses me and i float around after him like pepe le peu wafting through the air after his kitten's pink perfume.

i'm in love again as i always have been.. though not entirely as it was. and this is good.

i spent a lovely weekend with my mom and nick. saturday afternoon, i was in the shower and music was playing from the stereo on the entertainment center. that feeling i always get from it, only now that thing that was always missing had been filled. i could hear her in the other room, finishing up the cleaning we'd done for two hours. she helped me with my laundry. went through my dad's mail and i wrote, "brian w-x is deceased as of april 23, 2005. thank you." on bill after bill after bill. repetition (but i still don't think it's in all the way.. but it is much closer).

last night was the first night in two weeks i was not with a nick in my bed or with a nick in his. wtf, you might say, and believe me, i have said it many times myself. but without rambling on for pages and pages (because i am supposed to be leaving to go to his house). sigh. lunch & swimming and swimming and snorkeling and kissing on the beach like high school under the full moon with the clouds rolling over between shadow and bright white, shadow & bright white, and kissing and more kissing and ooh! and [shhwebrokeasink] besides the kissing there has been talking

and i am now seventeen days without smoking. cigarettes. and. that which has the name i never speak. only now i do. so i am seventeen days without nicotene and weed (godfuasdcksd92048#)($*). and i never confessed it the last time i 'quit'. this time there are no quotation marks. this time i talk about it to people who don't need to hear it.

and yes, there is a boy with a broken heart, feeling this caliber of pain for the first time... and i wish i could help him, but i think the most help i can give is to not do anything.. nevertheless, i say goodnight to him.

as i do the rest of you.


and bring myself to do good things and continue this path and write about it later

cause i am sniffing the air.. and it is pulling me away from this chair.. :D