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i need a shower

19 March 2006
9:41 pm

when i say i remember last year and i'm afraid of that, it's not about the bad things i did. it's not about smoking so much pot that i can't remember which day it is [because i didn't care enough to know], it's not about doing stupid things that are going to get me arrested, it's not about letting the entire world slip away until i'm three months behind on every bill and i haven't talked to any of my friends in just as long.

it's about the things behind that. it's about being numb, except for the dull roar in the chest and the burning in the stomach lining. it's about sleeping until i'm sick of it, and spending my waking hours wandering in circles wondering what i could have done to make it right, what i could have done to make it better, make it solid, make it sure.

and you say, well time passes and everything fades. look at what you did last year.

yeah, sure. everything fades.

to an extent.

it doesn't go away, and that numb feeling still breeds and i'm left with this feeling of wondering where i put my keys and knowing where i last saw them and retracing my steps but they're nowhere to be found

like a catatonic state, stuck in a loop, drooling and feverish

hahahaha i don't know man, words make me feel better, as much as they can--they will be my medicine, my saving grace from this, my fatal flaw

so i'll live like i must, a resident under my grandparents' roof, with my clothes and a typewriter, till they leave--and then not much more

till you leave--and i'll fill my hours with work and sleep and uesless trifling words and the important ones and the tricky, evil ones, and the weird ones, the sad ones, the ones that run like watercolours and the ones that crash
like a bull
in a china shop
smash it up

and i will never listen to that song again. [again]