oh, one of these nights? really? is this neccessary? i wouldn't mind going to sleep instead.

i've had some weaksauce songs stuck in my head, and they were starting to drive me a little nuts. i started listening to them and now they make me want to cry. and i can't shut them off. because i don't want to.

cause i know where the switch is. but i just. do not. want to. really is that so wrong?

probably. i don't know. i don't have any answers. right now, i am on this level of frustration that i do my best to ignore, and it is temporary because soon i will be in this job and relatively soon i will have money. somewhere in the middle of all that my grandparents will come back, and this strange trip of the summer of 2006 will be over.. and then. the unknown. the future. the doing of things. and you can be sure. that this. is it. for all the times i've said it before.. i cannot go back.

can't go back, nope. and i don't want to. i only want to go forward. but where is this forward headed? why do i feel so goddamned useless right now?

because i'm digging. digging for answers with the wrong tools, and digging for answers when i probably already know what they are and i just don't want to listen.

surely you must understand.

surely you must also know that i'm thinking i'll just delete this when i'm done. because whining doesn't get me anywhere, only reminds me that i felt this way.

sometimes i don't want to forget.

i want it to be january, i want to be 24, i want to be in my place, doing my thing. i wonder how far i will have to go before i realise i am there?

i wonder how far i will have to go...

I WANT TO BE THERE. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

i would also like to be asleep. but i think my princess bed is not doing me any favours. perhaps i will sleep on the couch tonight. perhaps i will just stay up, find something to do, go to the coffeehouse and pretend i am in school and therefore properly particpating in extra-curricular activities, maybe go see doll parts at boomers and then come home and go to sleep.

i want to stop feeling so fucked-up all the time. i'm weird, i know this, it's not that which i refer to. now that i've taken a step back and started to look at myself unto myself from my own point of view, i'm figuring things out about the way that i act--particularily when it comes to relationships with other people--and there are things i do not like, and things i need to fix. i'm not sure how, but slowly i mend the cracks that lead to bigger fissures.

go away, mood. let me be. i wish to remain stable.