in the spirit of everything old becoming new again, i am looking forward to the new smashing pumpkins song after finally searching it out on the internet.

in the spirit of soon becoming the new now, let me not forget the dreams i have had. the voodoo of the spring is present and responsive. dreams in general, but specifically, the next level of the fighting series. it used to be water, when i was younger. water, water everywhere. or being under water and not being able to find my way to the surface. blowing bubbles to try to find my way up. after awhile, i started to figure it out. i'd swim and i'd swim, and i'd run out of breath just before i'd get there. i'd start to breathe and breathe just enough to let the water in a little. and it worked. then i could jump from the water and everything was okay. i don't really have those dreams anymore.. or they aren't as intense. depending on how dreams work.

more recently (in the span of things.. years, really) i've had fighting dreams. someone i had to fight for some reason or another. i know there are references to certain dreams back in these pages, but since they're in these pages they are a pain in the ass to find--here is one only a few months old [apparently, this year, that doesn't mean much.. internet soon, i swear it]

when they started, i'd go to attack someone and i'd think i was really putting forth some effort and it felt like i was moving through water. . i kept having them at random intervals

(i don't know if the zombie dreams are included in this set. a sub-set, perhaps. i don't remember when it was, but there was one where i had gathered a group of people to go and fight the zombies and it was all pretty triumphant, and in the last one we were ready to fight, but ah, we had killed them all. those weren't that difficult to beat.)

and i started out not being able to connect. i pushed harder, and i'd think i wasn't connecting, looked down, and i'd completely destroyed a person. i pushed harder and i eventually had dreams where i started to move with focus. last week was the culmination of all those efforts. a long dream. i was in a club astroskate fourside kind of place and around every turn there were young men being rude to young ladies. so i beat them all up. with style and a quickness. i picked up one man by his legs and swung him 'round my head to take out three or four others. stuff like that. over and over and there was a play and i was backstage. jon was there. he kissed me, i kissed him back. he kissed me more and i remembered the real world and said, wait, aren't you married? and he said, yes, well, you know, and i said, no. no, there is no more. and walked away.

this was a big dream. the voodoo is ever present. i did a tarot card reading yesterday morning that much the same way. i picked them up, i asked a question, knowing what answer i would recieve. one by one the cards turned over in perfect order. and not in some stretchy, oh yes, i can see how that might work kind of way. i looked at it for quite sometime to really make sure. it was in a straight-forward kind of way, in a here is the truth so don't you forget it kind of way, here is the truth so don't you forget it, here is the truth so don't you forget it. because if you forget it, you don't get it. get it?

themagician, the king of wands, two of cups, king of pentacles, temperance, the hermit. the page of cups, three of wands, (queen of pentacles), rejuvenation.

i swear to god i'm listening.