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i am heaven sent. don't you dare forget.

04 July 2007
12:53 pm

(minutes of the following transcript: 07/04/06, worklife, mush! most likely to not be read) i am trying to remember what i did last year on the fourth of july.. i didn't think i was working at new york new york yet, but now that i've done some research back in these pages, i see that i was.. i guess i started working there at the end of june and not july.. hard to tell, with my inconsistent rambling. so i'm gonna guess that i was probably working.. yes.. yes, i was. because i wore that red sparkly shirt.. and then i left work, went to jordan and marty's.. then those two and sherecce and i went back to the brass and stained wood and the old people. ah, see, my inconsistant rambling jogs my memory anyhow, even though it probably does little for an audience.

what else was i going to say?

i worked for the last three days, minus a few hours in which mostly sleep (and visiting the school) took place. sleep came in increments of five on.. sunday? saturday? it is hard to remember when your days blur together and your second job is over night so the shift begins one day and ends the next, but you haven't gone to sleep to reset so the lines are not crisp and thin.

so. think. music was saturday night, and saturday night usually ends around four or five in the morning. sleep for five hours, break, eight at warehouse. eight at gas station. go to school buy fabric softener etc. too awake, work on learning moonlight sonata. sleep for three. five hour shift, break, eight hour shift. piano for an hour. sleep for five. eight hour shift, piano for twenty minutes, eight hour shift + milking the clock for an extra hour while talking to gracie, the funniest old lady on the planet, hands down. and now?

it's my day off from both jobs. feel the freedom coursing through my veins. and i'm fuck all tired. but it's my day off and i don't want to spend it sleeping all day and shit. it's unfair. i miss my time to do absolutely nothing and sit around and stare at walls and go bonkers with the lack of activity. tough luck, sister. suck it up. so i work two jobs and i sleep when i can get it because i'm still young, but only because i'm getting older. so i've got to show it to myself while i still can, to remind myself that all is not lost, to prove that i am capable of innumerable things of uncharted quantities. or. uh. something.

i have brand new songs stuck in my head. constantly. i cannot get it out. but i wouldn't stop if i could..

.. a lot. i really do. i'm not making it up for something to do, i'm taking my time. yes, i would like for things to be well on their way now, but i think they are. it just involves time. so i can look at the things i do without the label of a relationship.. because there are lines drawn. i still have walls up. thin walls, easily circumvented. still there though.

but really. i really. really. like. for really, really. in case those other reallys weren't enough.

on all the levels. even the ones that i know nothing about.

yknow, that's the funny thing about the guy i kinda saw in the beginning of the year who turned out to be an ass.. it made me more aware of these things called walls and purposes and how to use them to my advantage.. but it also made me realise that.. yeah. i do wanna let someone in. i wanna feel it again. i wanna feel it again, in a new and renewed light, having given this space to myself.. because no matter what i've done or who i've seen, i've been 'single' for over a year now. i've taken time to move on from past relationships and past experiences--something i've never really done because i never gave myself the time to clean the filters and view everything from a distance and on terms that concern me. and only me. i am not my ex-lovers. i am not my family. i am not any one i've ever come in contact with, so why should decisions i make about how i feel about things have anything to do with how they feel, or how i percieve them to feel? feel whatever you want.

never sacrifice yourself.

so i realised that maybe, just maybe, my soul wasn't dead for all of eternity, and maybe, just maybe, i wanted to fall in love again.

but i am not a dater. i never have been, i never will be. i can't go out and meet someone and 'hit it off' and then wait three to five days to call them and then have awkward conversation about who you are and where you came from and you talk over each other and it's fun to tell someone new all the stories you've already told someone else, but it never really gets past that point. they turn out to be stupid or boring or annoying or they work in a meat packing plant, but mostly i just don't care. because most of these guys are jerks who are just trying to sleep with me. they don't want to have the conversations, they don't want to be friends; they might not want to stick their dick just anywhere, but they really only care to a certain end--and that end comes once they realise that i am not playing coy and hard to get, i'm really not interested in sleeping with them in any fashion. that sounds kinda jaded. but, whatever. i like to meet people in random places, but not for romantic purposes. cause it's just not the same.

so i said to myself, what happened to the days when i had a friend and one day i open my eyes and realise what is right in front of me, hm? remember the time i sat on the park bench table with ray and he held my hand and i told him that i thought i wasn't faking it anymore (because we had been pretending to like each other for the amusement of our friend, oh middle school--nevermind that it only lasted three days) and i was so serious and nervous that my face forced a frown as i said it and my stomach churned in anticipation of a response? what happened to those days and that lovely real kind of feeling--not that cheap feeling cultivated by alcohol and desperation? is it still possible? i don't think it is, i said, i'm old and jaded, woe; i don't even have any guy friends that could fit into that category.. i don't even have that many guy friends, let alone single ones who aren't the hooligans, except for..

oh. ...oh.

oh dear. and all this time i thought that it just wasn't there and i thought it kinda odd, but never thought much about it--you don't when you don't see someone that often--and then one day i opened my eyes to see that everything i am looking for has been walking around in disguise.

so i say now hey wait a minute. where the devil is this coming from? because i'm not about to start mucking about in a perfectly good friendship just because i want some attention and he's the closest thing to me. 'caaause, that's fucked up and i refuse to knowingly fuck up another relationship.
and i'm certainly hesistant about just throwing myself out there because up until this point there had been assumptions on my part that it just wasn't there because he was younger than me or i didn't have blond hair or he was a 'good' person and i was too 'dirty south' (as i feel like calling it at the moment, because that's the kind of mood i'm in!).. and this was all fine, because.. refer to point earlier about men and women being friends.. i am not here to argue points.. i am here to tell myself a story.. but the point was that i was hesistant to even acknowledge it because yknow.. the ones i really like don't work out, right? and maybe i'm just completely off. maybe there isn't anything there, maybe he doesn't see it. i'm not going to get myself involved in all kinds of stomach churning and butterfly toed nonsense just to have to shove it back down again.

so i look back at the time at dennys with michele when he had his head on my shoulder and he said he'd play the sonata for me until i fell asleep

i go back further and i the random dinner last year that ended in the parking lot with a hug i didn't want to stop and my subsequent leaving of the parking lot because i didn't want the russians in my stomach to start acting on impulses when i was in a phase of acting for the sake of acting, and i couldn't go mucking about with someone that might actually be good for me, 'cause it was still too soon..

keep on investigating and really look at it, and.. i remember the switch. subconcious decisions i make without recognizing it at the time. i'm pretty good at tricking myself when neccessary, and it was. because this was 2004 and i was still with nick. i remember the class, and i remember what i saw, and i said, well. that's nice to see, but i can have none of that mucking about, so--switch! i see nothing.

and didn't see it. until a few months ago. i look back a few months earlier than that and see where it started. he offered me assistance when i had my 'car trouble'. simple, unexpected. and i thought, why have i not let this one in the gate? why is he not in my top 8? and i opened up myself up a little bit. started talking to him more because.. ah. i think i can trust him. not in the general way that i blindly trust people, but in the real way, in the way you don't go mucking up.

but ah. you take a fascinating someone of that caliber and let them in the bubble and it does not take long. a few months later and

i slept next to him before i ever kissed him. i felt that nervousness in my stomach for days straight before i got up the nerve to say anything. because i am a wimp. i can start talking and opening up, then realise how i feel and everything shuts down.

it's been months since we opened the door to look inside and i'm still working out the kinks of not being afraid to say what i feel. this is why i am glad it goes slow. this is why i am glad to take the time to get it right.

'cause i'm not mucking about. leprechaun, pow, serious as a solemn oath, whatever you want to call it. i'd be a fool otherwise. and if things go the way i see them... so would he. heh.

but, really. really, really. just.. falling in love retarded style. its my favourite way.

so tonight let us set alight the fireworks; let us burn the fabulous yellow roman candles until the blue centerlight goes pop and everyone says 'awww!'; let us declare our independence standing on the rooftops, shout it out