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sometimes still: --i think about leaving. chicago would be the most likely choice at this point, because my mother is there and it would be like starting over except with something familiar. i don't really want to start over anymore though. i would just like to move forward from where i am. but sometimes still, i think about leaving. i do not think this often, and i think it might be mostly to remind myself that if i chose to, i could. what would i leave here? a best friend, a band, a terribly amusing young man.. but it is not fair to count this last one and probably why i remind myself in the first place. either he will be mine someday or he never will and for the moment he is neither of these things--i certainly sway in one direction, but i tell you, because i've learned so, that this does not make or break my life--so daydreaming about moving to other places cannot be held back or pushed forward by his hand, or--his imaginary hand--all these things are at my whim and i should be fully responsible for all daydreams. i am in control of these things and only i possess the inner i within the me.. that is mine. that is my paradigm. you cannot take it from me. do you see a paatern forming here? i see the sum total of all these parts. --i am jealous of your young faces.. not your youth in particular, because i know that we women refine with age and this vintage is more robust and inviting than the taste of your grape juice [unfinished, these thoughts on freshness and the moment has passed and i no longer feel the need to comment on such things. this was early on, and i have had much too much coffee since then but i give it to you anyway
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