dear universe,

PLS MAKE MY FAMILY MEMBERS SANE SO I CAN STOP TALKING TO THEM IN GOOD CONSCIENCE

love, me

so in the recent news of the falling apart of my secondary parents, i saw my uncle last week. he looks like shit. he's starting a clothing line, that's great. he's still on drugs, and he needs help. my aunt, who i have not heard from, called me just a little while ago--interrupting what should have been sleep but was actually tv watching--and cried for an HOUR, every sentence coming back to her husband and how he's responsible for everything, and that's great, i understand, shit's really fucked up, but this lady is crazy too

and i feel a little bit detatched right now so maybe i sound like kind of an asshole, but whatever, i don't give a fuck

if you know me, then you know that it takes a lot for me to get to the point where i give up. traditionally, it doesn't happen at all. it's family, i say. you don't give up on family, you do whatever it takes.

and then you end up in their shoes after you give them your own so maybe they'll see what its like in regular shoes so they'll see how bad off their own shoes are. but too bad, once you get your shoes back, now the laces are all crossed and there are holes in your toes.

and it's not easy, it's not fucking easy. turning my back doesn't mean i give up hope. doesn't mean i wouldn't help if there was something i could do. but sometimes, there is nothing you can do. adults run their own lives, i am not meant to save anyone, least of all.. those who won't listen to me.

i don't know. i'm rambling because it's late and no one is awake and i'd rather just learn about WHY IS THE FRENCH LADY STILL ON THE ISLAND since i just started watching this show Lost you all keep talking about

'you all'? suddenly i am writing to the audience. who the fuck do i think is listening?

the point is, i don't like the feeling one bit. i like family. i feel that i am given a stronger sense of it by not having a conventional family, or at least the one that i will someday have. the problem is, in order to have the family i would someday like to have then my current family needs to GROW THE FUCK UP AND STOP KILLING THEMSELVES. my grandmother could be smoking crack for all i know, she doesn't tell anyone anything and if you don't call her back the one time she calls you, you won't hear from her for six months. i barely know my other uncle.

my life is topsy turvy switched all around when i am MORE COMFORTABLE with my father's side of the family than i am with the group of people that helped raise me.. when kevin came down, he didn't meet anyone on my mom's side of the family. he met my dad's side. BACKWARDS.

THE POINT IS, giving up makes me feel like a callous asshole who didn't try hard enough. no matter what you try, there's always something else you can try, because what you've tried hasn't worked... so there must be something else, there must be something else, there must be some way to fix this

but eventually i come to the conclusion that i do not have the answers. they aren't my questions to answer, they aren't my problems to solve and there isn't much i can do but wish you luck and hope you find your way out of the woods.

i left them long ago and i have no intention of returning. listening to you cry is painful and i will do it as long as i can, but when it starts to hurt and i can't block it any further, i will let you go. i feel bad that your marriage has been built upon drugs and deceit--real or imagined--i feel bad that i can't help you, i feel bad that you are too blind to get yourself out, and that goes for the both of you.

and then, after all of this, i try to talk myself out of it. maybe she's not really crazy. maybe it's a bad rap, false advertising. but she repeats her stories over and again, the way my dad used to. her logic doesn't add up, all her demons are external. i tell her my good news and she apologises. says that if she did anything to make me want to leave the state then she's sorry. she doesn't acknowledge the good part.

so i do what i must. i give up. so it goes.

in a related or unrelated matter, the eclipse is coming and i wonder whose head will pop out from what hole or if we will all continue our silence