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i was very busy last night. many dreams.. i kept waking up to think about how much was going. nothing went completely right. i kept getting kicked out of my own dreams. i had little to no control. i found an awesome cabin i was going to borrow from someone.. there was already someone there. i was trying to go dance on the stage at chiqbar but elise wanted to go somewhere else and i needed to get dresses and it just kept getting later and later. my dad was there again. paul and i were sitting on either side of him.. there was a lot of crying. it's that month for him anyway.. it's almost hard to believe that three years ago was three years ago. three years ago today i was not a happy camper, my brother was already in jail, nick and i were just breaking up, my dad was in the hospital but still, by definition, alive. three years ago today i was still so far in the woods that i couldn't have envisioned the possibilities of today. the happiness and excitement about life i am feeling now; in love, moreso than ever, independent and secure. finding my own way. making it up as i go along. last year, these april days still made me sad. now i look back on the pain i felt during an old break-up as a memory, an experience. i don't feel the sharp pang in my heart or my stomach, it doesn't burn, it feels like fresh flowers. once upon a time, i dreaded this feeling, because it means that i have let go. once upon a time, that was the last thing i wanted. but at that time, i was a child telling stories and was denying myself what i knew all along. all along i knew it wouldn't last forever and up until more recently, last year at the earliest, i would have told you something similar, but something different. now i tell you the truth, and that truth is that he kept me safe during a period of time where i could have really done some damage to myself. i still did a little, sure. but it could have been much much worse. i entered a phase of being after breaking up with sean and dating andy. sex drugs and rock and roll. and as i've gotten older, i've realised that this is not so much a phase as the next stage, the place that i am now. this is getting confusing. the point is, is that i was in a dark place and he was the light. when our time came to an end, i thought i wasn't good enough. i thought i was left to my own devices and i would terrorize myself and end up some horrible person that couldn't stay away from her vices. i felt a lot of guilt for wanting to be myself and got it all jumbled up and confused. the truth of the matter is that the time came when it was supposed to. even though it was the darkest lowest time, i'd outgrown protection. it was time for me to become my own light and to realise that enjoying my role as a sexual being doesn't make me some kind of a bad person, etc. i won't go into too much detail. it took some time before it all came to fruition. before i was able to realise all my truths for myself. like i said, last april i might have still said i wasn't good enough. i was coming out of it then, but hadn't cleared the woods completely. but that's what last year was all about. that's why i took all that time. that's why i'm here. and look at me now, writing as though he doesn't read this, understanding what i need in a relationship and getting it ten fold, taking on the future with a fiery sword, with nothing holding me back, holding me down, no borrowed helmet.. only my own. and for the last time, i speak to you directly here, as i have in the past and will not again: thank you. somewhere in between seeing you and the short conversations, i got what i needed, some kind of displaced closure, whether or not you knew what you were doing when you wrote about the fish in the can. i'd almost forgotten.. there are no more secrets. no more hard feelings. easy breezy beautiful. and as far as the rest of the april days, the ones that will come in a few weeks.. i don't know how i will approach them, because those feelings are changing too.. i am allowing them, for one thing, instead of denying them, displacing them, sweeping them under the rug.. his death was nine years coming, so when it finally did, i just wanted it to be over, it felt so long and drawn out that i was tired of thinking about it, tired of talking and sure no one wanted to hear about it, i declared myself over it. because i felt free from it, i thought that was enough. when you're involved with hospice, they give you a year of free counseling.. i never touched it. never talked to anyone. i was fine. fine fine fine. but i wasn't, and i'm still not. there are many many things.. none that i'm in the mood for right now. so i wonder how i will approach it, the last day i saw him alive, the day three days later he died. luckily his rthday is a month later so we get them all out of the way at once. my brother and i have never talked about it. someday.
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