funny how a feeling can become a no feeling. an anti-feeling even. funny thought for remembering later when i delve into these parts of moodswing for my book.

last night's dream was mildly upsetting.
turns out i was pregnant. that word, specifically, was in my dream a lot. went from being something scary in the beginning of the dream to something beautiful by the end.
i was freaked out, obviously, told a couple people. knew i had to tell kevin. it was a big party. there was a swingset. it was a house i lived at when i was real small, apt A. his dad was there.
i finally got him to the side. 'happy father's day,' i told him.
he didn't get it at first but eventually he caught on. he was very upset. he insinuated we couldn't have it.
he turned into nick. he still didn't want it. i talked to danny raymond. he said that if i'd gotten pregnant even though protection, then it was god's will(?) and the right thing to do.
i needed to get to the doctor to see if i was even pregnant for sure. i started trying to get there but i realised i would never get to school in time. i stopped in a break room to set my food down. tara was there. someone else was there. we talked a bit.
someone ended up doing my hair for awhile. it was really pretty by the time i left.
i had to climb up this bridge to get to tarpon, it was over by the greek orthodox church. it was steeper than the skyway and i had to hold on to the railings. rupaul was below the bridge, with a news crew.
someone told me it was necessary to scale this bridge to graduate, i was slipping, terrified of heights, i said.
i started to fall, i held on tight to the edge.. the girl who helped me up twice--annoyed the second time she had to do it--just so happened to be a girl i really disliked in high school, whose last name just happened to be stork.

at first i thought this was a weird dream that went a little disjointed at the end. thinking about the conversation kevin and i had about sex last night and looking at it all written down, i think there is a concrete meaning i need to ferret out of it.
i remember a time when i was much younger, when i used to add things to the retelling of my dreams to make them crazier, more random and more coherent at the same time. now i dream dreams that make kevin look at me with the crazy eye. he's the one whose never heard of the word 'pap'.

saw hulk again last night.
today is my first day at the gym.
wish me luck!