oh

it was a traditional sunday evening like i haven't had since.. i can't remember. way back. at least since the apartment.

traditional, complete with girlish emotions, crying out of nowhere, and a swing of the mood that i had to sit still in the dark to repress or i would have been punching walls or yelling at the roommates about the dishes and insulting them all personally

a surge of emotions, fine one moment, a hot mess the next

i probably just experienced a severe lack in chemicals because i thought i was going to get laid and then it wasn't going to happen

but we're on opposite schedules now. by the time i get off of work, he's asleep. i'll see him friday nights and saturdays. sunday mornings if we get up to eat breakfast together or some such.

we were talking about the future yesterday, the possibilities of moving to nj/ny in a few years and i cried then too

because to make plans like this is to expect, to rely on him being around

he thought my freaking out meant that i didn't think he would, but it's completely the opposite

it's because i do, and that's frightening to me. i compared it to being at the top of a rollercoaster and having to have faith that the seatbelt wasn't going to let you go

'i won't let you go.'

so, today, i was crying, trying to hide it in the dark, eventually he figured it out

i told him that i haven't been like this--not just the sunday, but the crying because i won't see him every day, the girlness, the vulnerability because no, i wouldn't let myself, blocked it off--i haven't been that way in a very long time

'it's okay.' he said. 'it shows me you care about me.'

he has answer for everything.

i told him about the vulnerability, and how i hate that most of all. it makes so uncomfortable. because even though i trust him, even though i love him with all my pieces, it's still going to take some time to erase the old habits--the automatic expectation of disaster

it's funny how similar his dad and i are in some ways. yesterday, at the family gathering we were discussing the ways we were. when things are going well, everything's fine, it just doesn't feel right. so might as well screw something now, so at least it's in my control, get it out of the way.

'but that gets exhausting,' i said.
'yes,' he said, and he looked tired. 'it does.'

in the middle of my crying, out of my mouth, without thinking came the words
i don't like being alone all the time
and it hit me harder than ever. because it's sunday. because spending time alone in florida was a lot of fun because i could spend time around people whenever i wanted and did, often. when it's my only option, it wears me down thin. and it's sunday.

he hugged me tight. he said he was sorry. because he took me away from everyone. he asked me if i regretted it. said it would be natural. asked me if i was happy.

i told him, don't be silly
i wouldn't change what i got
not for anything
not for anything