this week has been a state of mind.

it started on sunday when i was thinking about tarot again, come home to a conversation on ra, monday i drew the eye of horus on my wipe of board at work, to stay there, all of these things culminating in interesting conversation, interesting dreams and the continuing notion i need to start meditating again. an absolute need.

the first dream i was in something like a cavern, but the only way i knew that was through my perception. there was no echo, there were no shadows, it was just black, and above me, or in front of me, some indeterminable direction and distance away from me, there was a hole, and through that hole was the world.

and i, in the dream and perhaps in this life, am trying to get there. whichever it is, the present tense is important.

yesterday was bad, nasty, terrible tornadoes. concious of their actions.

sometime this morning i dreamt i was in the dining room in my grandparents old house. we were all sitting around the table as we would have, but the kids weren't there, my parents weren't there, it was just me and the adults. my grandfather was there. every once in awhile i dream about him and his face and self is clearer and more precise and real than it is in my waking memory. everyone was as they are now even though it could have been a scene from the past.

sharon, i said. what are you doing here?

we're back together, she said. we're off the drugs, i'm not drinking.

hi grandpa, i said. he nodded. it's funny i keep dreaming about you, i said.

because i'm dead and all, he said. and he crossed his hands over his chest and made a funny face and we both laughed. my grandmother looked on disapprovingly.

today i decided to call her back as i've been meaning to since i moved here. she sounded kinda funny, some of her words were running together, but i chalked it up to the way she acts towards someone she loves and hasn't talked to in awhile.
sharon's back in the house, she said. she quit drinking, she said.

oh really.

so i called dave. he said she moved back in last week. hasn't had a drink in three months, he had surgery again and is off the drugs. said dale called him at 5am this morning worried about grandma, something about blood pressure, worried about a stroke.

she said she hasn't been smoking cigarettes though.

so that's good.

evelyn martinez has died, i hear. this is sad news. heart attacks are not fun, especially at work.

so i will send good thoughts to my brother, who is in jacksonville now, on work release, permitted to partially enter the world

and hope the buzzing of this big black nasty looking bug beast does not break through the thin screen that separates us

because my thoughts are not quiet enough for me to listen to what he has to say