I�m at work right now, emailing myself� both of my computers at home are kind of screwed up and they took away the internet here. I wrote something this morning but I couldn�t get the internet to work or anything to open without restarting, so I had to let it go. I�m at work right now, emailing myself in between phone calls, technically I�m paused in between phone calls, because I can�t get a word in edgewise, not to myself, not to anyone else because today is a day of hangups, no answers and not homes.

I�m feeling� well, I�m definitely feeling.

I keep singing old Alanis and old Smashing Pumpkins, music from when I was fifteen, so I started listening to it this morning. That�s kind of how I�m feeling. It only took two months for this job to go sour. That�s a shame. I really like working for Tarjay. I need to start working on my resume.

I�m getting worn down. By the end of the day, I�m so drained I don�t have the energy to argue with anyone. By the end of the week, I�m exhausted mentally and don�t want to do anything on the weekend. Doesn�t leave a whole lot of energy for writing, which is what I haven�t been doing at all.

We�re moving slowly downhill. I�m really looking forward to the vacation time coming up in some weeks but at the same time. I dunno. I talked to two people in Clearwater today, I looked at all my pictures, and I was hit with this bout of melancholy that made me not even want to bother going back to visit. I don�t know how to explain it. Like, I miss having friends, I miss the familiarity, and that makes me want to not go anywhere near it. I�m a strange person.

This reminds me of how I used to write when I was around that age where I listened to that music. Automatic capital letters (thank you Outlook) and really talking to myself. Not talking to the Diaryland box, because that isn�t what is in front of me. Just me and the dressed up dogs.

Last night was Variation on a Bad Dream. It could have been, but wasn�t. I was hanging out with the Joker, he said he was going to go inside and kill this man and then eat him. I said that was fine but I was going to wait in the car because I don�t like my food to be obvious to me. I waited in the getaway car, a green type from the 70s, but newer and shinier than the cars of dreams passed, he got out and we drove away, ending up in woods and roads curling around trees, before that, eating flesh at intersections to scare people, stopping at all appropriate traffic lights. I only nibbled, I didn�t eat that much. He�s a funny guy to hang out with.

I�m at a loss for words. I�ve shed so much in a short period of time, I feel. All (or many, at least) of my habits, and I don�t just mean the vices. I mean, all the things I got used to in Florida, after 25 years of living in the same place, the habits I acquired from living alone, staying up late all the time, going wherever, doing whatever. I don�t think I�ve changed but I�ve definitely retreated into myself. For the most part, this is good. I want to quit my job, but I know I need to get a new one first. This is responsible adult behavior.

Something feels like it�s missing. And as I said once before, I hesitate to say this, but looking back I know I was right, and I knew it when I thought it the other night. I�m depressed.

Doesn�t mean I�m not happy. But I�m happiest when I�m with Kevin. He can make me smile, no matter what. Last night I looked at him and I thought, �you�re the only good thing in my life right now,� but I didn�t say it because I didn�t want it to be true.

I�m thinking all this and writing this and I get an inbound call from New Port Richey. No one said anything I was just sitting there listening to a conversation, either an accidental dial or forgetting they were on hold. Just the name of the city looking at me in the eye

I don�t have any concise thoughts for you tonight. Only messy capitalized thoughts that won�t allow me to use the letter S instead of the letter Z because they are corrected by automatic spellcheck. Don�t get me wrong. I don�t miss Florida like I want go back. I�m just missing something and it�s kind of melodramatic, but I think it might be me. My thoughts refute this immediately after I say it.

Periods of transition are rough. I cry at everything these days. The universe is in transition. Your mom is in transition.

*sigh*

I need the beach.