i've said it before, and i'll say it again: this life is interesting.

one day you're in love with someone, the next day turns into the day after, and soon enough, it's a year later and you're in love with someone else and life is different.

but i like to look at differences. so i don't get alarmed when i start dreaming about hugs and awkward conversation from my partner in singing brand new with the windows down. in fact, i hope it means that he's moving forward from the place that he's been stuck, since we have that kind of connection. you know, the kind that is oh so precious where dreams might just mean something special. i was going to say all too rare instead of oh so precious. but i'm finding that as i get older, i'm really only getting involved with and running into people who are on that level

i remember when he started becoming convinced of my mindpowerz.

i remember a lot of things. there have been times, with the most important people, that i've wanted nothing more than to forget, at odds with my original intentions, which were to never let go.

and it seems that i can accomplish both. the memories, they fade out and back in--depending, a lot of the time, on the music i'm listening to ;)--the happiness fades, then the pain fades, sometimes they flicker

and i let go, let go, let go. but the love always remains. it never ends.

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i think i've only been wrong once, and that was with andy. i don't think i ever loved him, there's nothing in my heart for him now. there wasn't anything then. just a lot of rebellion, drugs and buckethead. hah. i'm wondering now. it used to always bug me that i never saw him afterwards. never ran into him anywhere randomly. not because i wanted to, i didn't really want to be reminded of that time. but it bugged me because it never happened. i'd run into casey for cryin' out loud. andy's tony. andy's andrew. but not andy. now i see it having to do with this actual lack of connection, it being this big blind spot. leaving me to wonder when it would happen.. and why hadn't it.
and when does it? a year ago. elise says 'surprise! i saw andy working at play it again sports.' same place he worked when we were dating. i was dead shocked. i called. went down to say hi. he plays drums.
so i had him come over to tony's house so we could all play music.
i have a picture with him on one side of the room and tony on the other. absolute sounding dissonance in my head.
when did this happen last september?
shortly after kevin said to me, a night i was going to a party, 'you better not take your clothes off for anybody.'
and i said, 'really. is that how it is, mister internet.' and he said yes. he was claiming me or some such.
it was around the time i stood in the shower FREAKING THE FUCK OUT because here i was spending this whole year doing the right thing and here i was investing all this time in tony and along comes a spider who didn't even really 'come along' because he lived in goshdarn minnesota, how could i possibly be freaking about liking someone in minnesota, he lives across the dang country and i was talking to myself in the shower, basically. weighing one hand over the other.
and i had a moment of clarity. i wasn't in a relationship with tony. i'd been doing the right things. i was free to like whatever person i wanted, no matter how crazy. i'd done my time.
andy came to tony's house the weekend i had the conversation with tony that ended whatever it was we'd been toying around with, allowing me to fully place myself in this crazy, crazy ride of a relationship with kevin that i've never properly addressed here
yeah, a week after i talked to him on the phone for the first time.
yeah, two and a half weeks after finding out he existed in this world.
yeah. a month and a half before i'd actually meet him face to face.

but i knew. i knew with the first message, i knew the first time i saw his name and looked at his face. you can see it here, a year ago today, where i am recounting the past seven september thirds in the questions i ask myself at the end. there, you can see that i know it won't work out with tony. i know i won't be staying another year in the apartment, and i know i'll be moving across the country, only i say washington instead of minnesota because i don't want to look like a crazy maniac.

not that it's ever stopped me before.

anyway, it's way too late for all this, and we've reached the end of that brand new album where all the songs sound wrong sung by someone else. so here's to the boy who sang me songs till i fell asleep, thus persuading me to like brand new; who kept me safe last year when i could've been running rampant; who started all our madness by.. what? attempting to draw a picture of me on one late night early morning (and that time we drank wine and made out to classical music)

and here's to the man he was keeping me safe for, the one who can actually draw (and so well, in fact, i expect him to be doing it for a living by next year) who inspires me, by being awesome, to be awesome and get paid for the things i want to do, who was the catalyst for many things in my life, who not only loves me but ALSO understands me
he is the batman to my joker

....that's it. the entry's over now. hah.