there's been a lot going on. but there always is, isn't there? a lot going on. oh vince vaughn. you are the sass meister of all sassfests. i should watch that movie later. they should do a movie with vv and robert downey jr together. i was going to say 'they should do a movie with rdj and jon favereau' but they did, it was called iron man and it was awesome.

i am i need. in need of a mary poppins, a rich uncle pennybags and a willy wonka mode, all in one. i had a laughing fit yesterday but then that manic energy fell flat on its face.

mercury did a number on me. luckily, i didn't make him angry with my presumptions of understanding what was really going on, but i am certainly off my mark. everything is a mess. everything needs to be straightened out and i'm trying to stop it from taking over all my thought processes. once that happens, then i'm falling fast and it's no fun getting back up.

at work, i started out the month of may on top and by the start of june i was way down below. it's frustrating. on my calendar, there are little stars and a 1 YEAR drawn in the little box for the 23rd. i look at that box with both amazement and disgust. i never expected to still be here. i took this job expecting to find a way up or out. then there was, as they like to refer to it, an economic nosedive and suddenly there are no jobs available within the company. there's currently one position i'd be remotely qualified for, but since i've been slacking the eff off for awhile and not really caring if i got fired or not, i can't apply for it. i'm responsible for my own actions, in this case fucking my self for the next few months at least, but i also know that i need vision in order to stay on track, and it's been a pretty cloudy view. similarily, everytime i look outside the company i am just as defeated.

so i'm going back to school in the fall, to give my brain something to do, to get a degree so i'll be eligible for better jobs that i still won't want because i am a stubborn bastard and cannot. stand. wearing myself down to fit in this kind of environment, but i do it anyway, and i sure as hell better find what i really want to do and get in there-------so i'm going back to school in the fall, but that isn't until fall and there's a whole summer to get through between now and then.

at home, i have settled down somewhat from my nomadic tendencies and rather than embracing the former impulse to MOVE MOVE CHANGE ESCAPE after one year in a place, we've decided to stay in the big yellow house and just change up the roommates. kk & i will be in the room upstairs, his sister will move in and we're still searching for a fourth person, which looks like it may turn into a fifth if one of kevin's friends decides to take our offer

so many things to say. but it has been hours since i started writing this and i am worn down, this manic energy i've been harboring the past few days and trying to cultivate into something useful has, as i said, turned against me and

i am tired
my bones are tired and cranky
my muscles are stiff
these eye drops for the stye beating up my eye sting like a bitch
my broken tooth isn't as sharp as it was last week cause i still grind my teeth every night
like a monkey
with some cymbals
trying to make a dollar out of fifteen cents

june. june. june.

i like the word and the name and susan miller says this is supposed to be a good month. but i can't believe this year is halfway over, i can't believe i'm still at this job i can't say half the things i expected to say here today... this entry is long and rambley and feels somewhat pointless, without merit or colorful sentence structures, which is not my favorite kind of long entry

i would rather they are well constructed
but oh
well

sometimes it is neccessary to purge
especially on this thing i do not use so often