sometimes i wonder if what i'm going through now is being processed properly. am i uncovering patterns i've been following all along? am i a natural runner with panicked lungs?

i've got some sinus issue the past few days, not as bad as that second week of august.. but mixing that with the slight bitterness of this fair trade coffee and that taste in the back of my throat reminds me of cocaine. Keely and i were talking about it the other night on this porch.. how it never goes away, how the desire it creates never disappears completely, it pops up here and there. i said i'd never do it again and i've stuck to my guns.. i would've said it is in part due to never being presented with it, who knows in some weak moment if i'd turn on that resolution and there have certainly been times where i've known that i would.. but it's not true.. i remember that january after i first moved into the apartment, probably not even a month after denouncing it, when that weirdo Jerry called me and practically begged me to come over, that strange series of phone calls he ended with 'i love you'. strange man i was suspicious of but could never put a finger on what was so odd.. the conversations on his couch, he showed me Curb Your Enthusiasm, i met him at ny ny when i was looking for scorpios.. two scorpios and a virgo later i declared myself done with that section of the zodiac..

this all ties in together. the wild adventures turned sour. i pushed them past their limits, set their houses in fire, burned myself upon their ashes and formed myself a diamond, nesting among the rubble. then..

two years before two days ago, there shone a beam of pink light.. information from the future like.. in the early morning hours of the first day of september i left a comment on W. Ellis' myspace.. asking for his help in bringing back the bowtie.. silliness in a dark apartment, late night nonsense before i went to bed.

i woke up in the morning or afternoon, put on the long blue prairie dress, that would weeks later be torn during a mock fight with the elder Raymond before he shipped out and the same night i told former roommate Joe more of my life story than i'd told Kevin and took the picture Kevin sees whenever he boots his computer, the one he drew when he came to see me in Florida.

i put that dress on to pick up jb, to take him to Chris and crystal's to say goodbye to Marty and Shereece, i feel like it might've been the same day Obie called to tell me Rose had killed himself, but i'm pretty sure i was still at Costco when that happened.

anyway, before i left my apartment after putting on the dress, i checked the internet to find a message from strange double K named man in minnesota. "why have you ruined my saturday morning," he asked. some two days earlier he'd posted a blog about how much he hated bowties. and here i was petitioning W Ellis, of whom he was a fan, to wear exactly that. i responded, as i do, as i hear he had not expected me to..

we wrote messages back and forth, then we started talking on instant messenger and i wish i had saved that first long conversation, all night, some eight hours while i was trying to write a paper i turned in late and stopped going to school before i ever saw a grade on it.

our first phone conversation was the same, all night, some eight hours and everything was so perfect and similar i was convinced he was trying to kill me.

sept 01 2007 was the first time i'd ever heard of Kevin Kelly. oct 01 i bought a plane ticket, nov 01 i was standing on a plane that had just landed, wondering if people were looking at me because of the ridiculous smile i was sure i had on my face, awkwardly holding a coat i'd just bought since in Florida, there is no need for a coat.
to the bathroom to adjust myself, my posture, the fold of my clothes, my anxious excitement.
i tried to hide when i came off the elevator, looked for the man whose voice fit the pictures i'd seen. i may have walked past him, who knows, but i hid behind a pillar and called him, looked for the one reaching for his phone and dodged before he could see me.. but it was too late and he came around the corner when i wasn't looking.

i insisted i would shake his hand before anything else but i was so flustered in the moment that i hugged him.. easier than making eye contact. he took hold of my roller suitcase and we took long glances at each other as we walked toward the parking garage, weighing the difference between pictures and the closing of distances.

i knew then as i knew that first moment, as i knew six months from the first day, apr 01 2008, while the uhaul trailer was rattling behind my car through downtown Minneapolis at three in the morning, after a long day of driving through Illinois and Wisconsin and two days of driving before that. i'd taken the first shift while he slept. he took the wheel after we were out of Florida, just before noon, and i played Good News For People Who Love Bad News, a record that smells like the sunshine in that sunset point parking lot, that tastes like oregano and sweet tea. Modest Mouse is good for driving. i'll be sure to take it with me next week, when mom and i drive backwards down the path across America i took to get here.

it's not that i have forgotten those times and those moments, it's not that i've forgotten the magic that brought me here--since Kevin was a direct answer to a serious poem i wrote in the beginning of 2007.

it's that i am doing as it appears i do two years into a relationship.. panic fear and flight. is this it? 'are you him?' as Desmond says. does he know it smells like carrots? (oh ha ha ha Lost jokes i am obsessed)

am i supposed to take notice of my wonderings and make decisions i haven't previously? what if i'm a woman not meant for conventional relationships, what about women, what about this, what about that, am i Kate, can i not settle down.. but she does.. one last season of Lost may hold all the answers in my universe. waiting.. watching..

is this the cycle of lessons i am meant to prevail upon? is it working?

or have i been designed to over-analyze and ask too many questions? two years, this is the point where we decide to decide, perhaps these are the side effects of taking a strong look at things rather than moseying along with the tide. maybe that's the difference and the design.. to analyze and question and any discrepancies.. you bring it up, you bring it in, we'll get you fixed up in no time...

we are all on the precipice, in transition.. my horoscope has me concerned about september but says i'll come out clean. the tarot reading i did last night was accurate but i am confused about it's meaning, but if there's anything to take into myself completely, it's the reminder of strength... clear sailing and strength.

what did i hear recently? you've got to go through hell to get to heaven? it's all so confusing. in 2033 i will be 50 years old. that's something i've been thinking about quite a bit. maybe that's what all of this is, confronting the existence of the future. a future.

i better get off this dilapidated porch couch and get ready for school, especially since this is the first time i've been to english. i had to switch the class since the morning one wasn't going to work.. and i can't just cancel english, cause i need it to take anything else i want to take in the future.