Out by 10 today. Not bad, considering the sleeping problems I've been having, and the general problems I was having yesterday.
Woke up at quarter til 2 after three hours of sleep, right? Then, after doomy mood, felt dead, went to sleep at 1:30 yesterday afternoon. Sleep til quarter til 6 when Kevin got home. Sleep again from 10pm til 11 and then lose my fucking shit. Seriously. I hadn't intended on explaining the doom to Kevin, didn't really explain it to anyone except for half-implications to Dan, because doomymood like that.. better off expunged and done with. BUT sometimes the only way to get rid of it is to talk about. And I didn't come right out and say it. I didn't tell him I was laying in the bathtub seeing red and understanding it would never be possible in the house, I would have to leave so no one would find me, maybe take all my money and fly to Florida and and and what? I'd never be able to push down I wouldn't want it to be too messy would I have the courage to put rocks in the pocket of my coat maybe off the pier maybe in a retention pond would I leave a note shaking my head the whole time, understanding the absurdity of the thoughts because it's not something I would ever do because life is too grand, much grander than each individual moments

(the man on the phone next to me just said life doesn't get any better than this--but I am in a far better mood than yesterday)

BUT it was scary. Because the thoughts were all there were, there wasn't any realism or consideration of facts; there was just idle, mindless evil and I couldn't stop it

Why it happened, I don't know. The bunching up and bottling of too many thoughts, I haven't been feeling right in the body, so much going on, so much I'm trying to adjust and fix and figure out and straighten... and I didn't want to scare him. I didn't want to tell him these things, but it all just came out. I felt better. He didn't.. ha. But yknow. We had a good talk and I dampened his shirt with my tears

and I feel better. But I need to get a job, I need to work out this sleep issue (after all that talk, even with the previous lack of sleep, I didn't sleep until almost 4.. and woke up at 830, which was good); I WISH we had decided to move out on our own instead of staying in this house with all the people who do the things I am trying to stop and the mess and the dust and stagnation and the squirrels in the walls chewing through the floorboards. Every night when I fall asleep I fear the floor will fall through and we would hopefully be safe on the bed but the weight of it all crashes through the two floors below and we are startled to be in the basement.

Whenever I walk into a room, expect it to be empty and find someone in there, I jump, I am startled and say "Ah!"

I am so easily startled