Stupid, stupid, stupid move. God punishes. I've managed to get myself stuck on the front porch, no way in, no key to the back door, and the screendoor (really, there's no screen, but it takes its place) and it's stuck. I could wedge it open with a screwdriver but I don't have a screwdriver and that has to be done from the inside. I might freeze to death. Not really. Roommate 1 and 2 are both at work, roommate 3 should be on her way back from school but I called her, got no answer, so I assume this must be the day she gets off at 5. Kevin's at work. Landlord isn't coming back until later. GAH. I was about to say "at least it isn't snowing", but I bet it would be warmer if it were snowing.

Perhaps this will give me ample opportunity and fear of frostbite or return of the killer cold to figure out something to write about next month.

Or to put down the memory I've been putting off all weekend.

Over last night and today I made a mix, with the intention of putting down all poppy happy clam music and up with some mostly low shit instead. I have a mind to delete it and start over but I already made it and want to do something else:

And now I don't feel like writing about it. I only have 30% on battery power left. Fuck. I have my ipod at least. Every bus that hits the corner I pray Keely will walk out of it. Kevin says he's gonna come home.. that'll be close to an hour before he gets home.. so I'm gonna have to pace the porch and rap out some eminem or something to get myself all warmed up.

Seriously. I was gonna write about this shit but I'm too cold to think. This is bullshit. Uhhh

Friday night I was in the bathtub, as I so often am these days. Spending lots of free time in the water, watching the bubbles form and spread out and dissipate. The only place in a house full of people I can really be alone. Plus, it's fun in there. It was relatively early still but Kevin had gone to sleep already. Earlier we'd been watching Olbermann do an hour long special comment on healthcare and I was feeling all weird... tightness in the chest, couldn't get a full breath, my lips and fingers started tingling. I thought I was just being weird. So I got in the tub and listened to Kylie Minogue and Katy Perry and all sorts of happy clam dance music. As a side note I listened to Owl City and thought it was crap.

Then! John informed me it was snowing! What! said I. No, it can't be! but it was. I apologized for having asked for a winter. I didn't mean for it to come this early. So we looked at the snow and marveled at the strangeness and John was in a sour mood, so we moped about on the porch until we went upstairs and moped around in the living room.

CHRIST I THINK MY TOES HAVE TURNED TO LITTLE TOE SHAPED BLOCKS OF ICE

So he was watching Babylon 5 and I was half paying attention, Keely and her friend got home, everyone was chillin' in the living room, I was looking at some email or diaryland and talking to not the Dr D and suddenly my heart was a flutter in an unfamiliar and violent way and everything was pounding and scary and I couldn't breathe in the same was I couldn't earlier except worse.

Alarmed, I excused myself somewhat embarrassingly and ended up on the upperback porch, at Keely's desk, in the serene and comfortable corner. That same alarm changed into something else when I felt that my heart was still beating like that, but it didn't hurt anymore now that I was alone and in the dark. Then I started crying great big heaving breaths and thinking this must be it, I must be really cracking up and realizing that when I was crying like that, at least I was taking full breaths, so I let it have it. I remember my phone going dingaling to tell me I had a text message almost the same time I looked over and saw a message out of the ether space, a status message from someone who'd gone to sleep but it was so... necessary at that moment, so seemingly meant for me exactly, like a hand resting between my shoulder blades and one against my forehead, tender, calming, etc; and yet so almost strange in itself that I was able to return to reality a bit, to get the rest of the sobs out and breathe normally for a minute, to look up out the window and see, there, outside, there was snow on the roof of my car, just covering it in silky pure whiteness, there, that's real; here we go.

And then it was over. Mostly. I still felt weird and shaken and when I tried to go to sleep it almost happened again on a quieter level

and now still when I lay down to go to sleep, I have to lay on my back propped up so I can breathe right, cause if I lay on my side then.. I can't describe it. I can't tell if there's something wrong with my lungs or my heart or if it all just feels too.. present. So I'll go to the doctor tomorrow and see what it says.

I get edgy and easily overwhelmed and IF I DONT GET OUT OF THIS COLD SOON THEN I'LL BE SEEING THE DOCTOR FOR FROSTBITE AS WELL, FUCK

that's about all there is to say about that at this current moment, except that I've been dreaming again the past couple of nights. two nights ago all my family was living in the house with us and my dad refused to take this opportunity to change and that is easily well analyzed. the second dream, the dream from this morning, is a clear example of why I should not be reading random entries before bed as I just recently told myself, I read an entry from last year about a dream with a certain person, who was in this dream today. as soon as my eyes were on.. i was on.. and then Kevin walked in and it was very awkward.

PHEW the computer died and I thought I'd lost all this, thank god I don't have to write it again, I put on my ipod in the middle of that sentence (you don't get to know which one) and an appropriate song came on (you don't get to know which one)

then I paced around a lot and tried to start a fire with wet leaves and green sticks and wasn't very successful. the big bushy tailed squirrel was in a trap and I wanted to rescue him but then he would probably end up eating through my floors again