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too much rambles on the subject of thyroid

18 February 2010
9:46 am

oh, lords. This is me. I am overwhelmed. Hi from over here, where I am overwhelmed.

I decided to start taking this hyperthyroidism/Graves' disease seriously. I hadn't been really, having expected some thyroid issue or the other since I was about 18, it's not that big of a deal, really I said, compared to all the things in the world that could happen to a person. So, whatevs. I'll take my pills and that will be that.

Except that isn't that. Hi, I'm your thyroid, I control all sorts of things in your body. Hi, I'm your immune system and I'm attacking your thyroid because.. I'm retarded? Now we're on drugs.

Hi, I'm your doctor. I will give you these pills and in six months we'll look at maybe killing off thyroid cells with radioactive iodine.

HI I WOULD PREFER NOT TO DO THAT, THANKS.

So, after some conversations with mi madre (who has Hashimoto's and is hypO)

and the realization that the pills I started taking in January take six weeks or so to take effect and so now, I should really see what's going on

and last week feeling very transitory, days with no energy, days with low mood, over-sleeping (and now some sudden normal sleep since I've been home)

feeling like I might be CRACKING THE EFF UP -- doing a little google searching to see: marijuana increases your heart rate. THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE INCREASED ANXIETY AND/OR PANIC ATTACKS WHEN YOU SMOKE, YOU DOLT. and while it hasn't been something common lately, that's it. Even the temptation of oh but once in awhile is retarded because a) it's not even fun anymore, it's all hating faces I have to cut up with a machete and b) the lurking of hating faces around every corner. It's a bunch of bullshit. Giving up the occasional smoke is the least of my issues at the moment, there's no question there.

The point is, I am starting to take this seriously. See what I need to do about my diet--no iodine, mainly. Stress management. Yoga and shit. I want to see what I can do outside of the doctor, not just to alleviate symptoms, but to hopefully keep it all under control for the future.

I mean, I guess I kind of knew what a control freak I was before this, but I don't know how much I understood being out of control is a serious issue for me. When I get caught in Chinese fingertraps of anxiety or panic and I am trying to tell myself YOU ARE DOING THIS, CLAM IT DOWEN... but that just makes it worse? It's horrifying to me. I try to laugh, and I throw out Tarot cards to show myself the truth (they can tell you whatever they want about that card but for all it's meaning, I see it a little creepy and definitely hating faces you have to chop with a machete) and the cards that come after that follow suit and the Aces or the Sun pop up with the swells in the music in the movie on TV

anyway, I've lost focus. What was I saying? When in Chinese fingertrap panic/anxiety mode, it is only synchronicity that has been able to bring me out, magic and waiting and not trying too hard to distract myself, for if I try too hard, then I am thinking about distracting myself, and if I am thinking about distracting myself, then there is something to be distracted from, then it just gets worse. Chinese fingertraps and magic, over which, though I know my head and heartbeat are the catalyst, I have no direct control. I find this very difficult.

It's 10 am and already I've been up for two and a half hours. I'm drinking my coffee, but eventually now I stop and switch to tea.

COFFEE. That will be my real problem. This list of helpfulness-in-diet wants me to 'reduce sugars and white flour' and 'avoid caffeine and alcohol'. The alcohol I could give a fuck about, mostly. White flour? Can be done. BUT YOU WANT TO TAKE FROM ME MY DELICIOUS SWEET AND DARK COFFEE ELIXIR, I SHALL STAND ON THE LEDGE ABOVE YOU AND WE SHALL FIGHT

(i am reminded of some dream i had last night.. sadly, it escapes me)

I was going to leave it at that, but I will take one more moment to say.. this is my diary, yknow. I've kept it for ten years and I've been making efforts to be more.. well, I'm always honest, but it was always disguised, random, almost nonsensical if you don't know what I'm talking about. I've been making efforts over the past couple years to be more open with my honesty and actually record my thoughts and what I feel, without the guises. So, when I look back to read a period in time, I can see those words instead of having a scrunched-up, disappointed face with the knowledge of the events that transpired and the lack of words to look in at. Sometimes this is a good thing. Most times it is annoying.

So there's that. Then there's the matter of private personal information which I could honestly give a fuck about. I'm generally an open and honest person, especially with strangers and internet ghosts, maybe even too honest sometimes; regardless, sharing my medical information isn't a big deal for me like BOMBSHELL I HAVE THIS DISEASE THAT SOUNDS MUCH WORSE THAN IT ACTUALLY IS.

But I guess, the problem, the reason it is kind of a big deal, is for that reason. Because I go out of my way to NOT be one of those people. Because I never want to bring it up in a conversation to which it doesn't apply. well I have cancer, so can you help find this computer I want to buy, well I have AIDS so isn't my garden nice, etc, so forth.

This is my diary and I'm not acting like this is some big reveal of information or some shit so I don't know why that thought should be in the back of my head, probably because it is one of those things that bothers me in people so it is always in the back of my head, striving to keep me from it ever, pulling me back from any direction leading to that cliff, almost resulting in never saying
anything
at all