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tea is good to me, whee as well. this is a misleading title. appropriate title would be : lots of freaking out

23 February 2010
10:22 pm

god, right now i hate you. i hate you all. my tea is cold and lost was good and all but my fucking tea is cold and there's nothing to do on the internet anymore, i am sick of laughing i am sick of listening to you laugh and your fucking inability to let go or be aware like fully aware of that shit that holds you down but whatever

this isn't about you, it's about me, i hate you all cause my tea is cold and there's nothing to do on the internet anymore and i just want to shout a lot because katie is going to peru and i am already sick of this. i am already so sick of this fucking shit in my chest and i get it, it's going well, sure doc, that's what you say and i BELIEVE YOU OKAY but i don't want to have to take my pulse, i don't want to have to take my pulse and be like 'okay it's about 80 that's still not normal but it is for me right now' so if i'm at the current fucking normal then why do i still feel this way in my chest, why must i be totally fucking exhausted before i can lay down and sleep without thinking?

i felt so good those days when i got to sleep early and got up early. now that i am a few hours off, i feel like shit? they can't be that directly correlated, can they?

i fucking hate hate hate right now because i'm already so sick of this and you know i'm gonna stabilize but it's never really going to go away, it iS NEVER REALLY. GOING. TO GO. AWAY. and i don't want to have to explain myself twenty seven fucking times. i know just a little while ago i would've been there on the smoke with you, BUT I'M NOT NOW OK AND IN FACT I AM ANNOYED BY IT. i know just a little while ago we could have joked about all the things that could be wrong with lil ol' sara, oh cause she's so crazy and look at her limp around like her life is so hard, maybe something ain't right in that water, maybe she was dropped in her head BUT NOW that i have a way to explain myself i don't want to have to do so twentyseven fucking times. oh sara, why does your chest feel weird? oh sara, you're going to an audition? well lets go walk around the museum before that YEAH I'D FUCKING LOVE TO OKAAAY!@? but i won't because i can't because i'd like to have the energy for that audition. oh sara oh sara why did you let your tea go cold? i am not just lame, okay. i am not a lame person who never wants to leave the house -- well it's true, i don't ever want to leave the house -- but i am not just a lame person who lays around and never does anything except let her tea go cold!

WHY DOES TEA EVER GO FUCKING COLD, HUH!?


...
Obviously, I don't really hate you all. I really am sick of this though. I am sad because I'd like to sleep but this weird feeling in my chest keeps me awake. At least I have a teakettle to provide me with more warm water. At least there's a semi-promising audition to go to on Thursday, something to do to get me out of the house.

And when I freak out all over private places, the only place I feel comfortable doing so--like magic, it is at least a little easier to breathe

cookies. there should be no problem that cannot be solved by cookies. or pancakes.