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18 April 2010
6:30 pm

I showered. No, I lie. I bathed. Lay in the bathtub and bathed myself like the koala. For the first time in a long time I put my head under the water. It's very quiet under there! I don't like water in my ears. Eventually it started to feel like the water was seeping through my ears and into my throat and into my skull, so I stopped soaking my head. "go soak your brain, your head is on fire." brain is on fire, soak your head? I don't know. Anyway, it is a start. "I can't drown myself, I don't like water in my ears." Stop it. Anyway. Silly.

After a short conversation with Kevin about whether or not he trusts me (see earlier note about everything setting me off today) and making a choice to not force a larger conversation regarding where boundaries belong in a relationship like this, he left for the gym, leaving me the computer with which I am now free to play with

but then I went and daydreamed on the porch for awhile, out in the sun

and all I can think about now is apple juice and cookies and french fries. You see? I am a child.

A child that is freshly washed and smells of vanilla and sandalwood

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