Mercury.. ahh, fuck you. Eff you in your spicy face.

I moped last night. I read too many pages of On The Road. I didn't have anything else to do, I couldn't find my video game, I didn't have any energy. So I read the pages. "Now I wanted to sleep a whole day." I did. I do. I fell asleep just after 9. At 7 I was awake but didn't want to move from the bed.

The past few days haven't been so good. My pulse is fine but I haven't been able to catch my breath again. Maybe I've been smoking too much. I won't smoke today. Maybe I won't smoke tomorrow. I can't speak to Friday because--well, I'll discuss Friday later.

Maybe I shouldn't be so hard on myself. Just because I'm experiencing a temporary (dear god please) drop, reprieve, visitation to a former state (damn you Mercury and damn your eyes). I'm still sleeping on a schedule. I'm still doing the dishes every day, I'm still eating like a regular person (gaining weight. how am I supposed to get this off)

but the past few days have been rough. The moodswings. The rage. The generalized apathy. All the joy I felt is still there, life is still awesome. I still like my job... but now I'm trying to talk to myself out of it

the paranoia, the nervous thoughts

and now this, whatever is this. Maybe this is allergies. There's a record amount of pollen in the air. I can't catch my breath. Maybe somehow these are related

I dragged myself out the door this morning. I plugged my headphones in my ears. Port Rhombus, Squarepusher. I love that song.

But it didn't sound right. As though the entire song had been detuned.

"...what the fuck?"

I wiggled the headphones, I pushed on the ipod screen. "Did I sit on my ipod and make it act weird?" Digital media doesn't do that. you can't bend internal tape, there is no tape, this is digital. I shuffled for a familiar song, one I would be sure of secret sounds, new added subliminal tracks. Ava Adore.

It sounded like a strange backing vocal track. Like a ghost ironed through a ring modulator.

I shut the music off and put it away. I wanted to punch Joseph in his face the whole walk from the bus stop to work.

I get here and I can't focus. I'm having real trouble. I've been here for over an hour and have barely done anything. There's an impromptu informal meeting happening on the otherside of my burnt orange cube wall. All their voices are crowding me and the edges
of the sounds they are making
are digital
their voices are digital and tinny
like they all are using vocoders
not at all times, mostly when I am not paying direct attention

so I made my doctors appointment for tomorrow. Everything has been fine. What the fuck is all this? I don't have time for this. I have plans. I have cakes. I don't have time for idle stares and catatonia.

Damn you, Mercury
damn you.