[HI, BY THE WAY, INCEPTION WAS A REALLY GREAT MOVIE AND THIS IS LONG BECAUSE I LIKE TO TRY TO SHARE EVEN WHEN I KNOW THAT FULL DISCLOSURE AND ACTUAL TRANSMISSION IS DIFFICULT BUT MOSTLY, MOSTLY BECAUSE I NEED TO REMEMBER]

and it doesn't stop when I wake up
it keeps happening
did I mention I saw the white squirrel again? of course I didn't. I've been in the dark, I haven't been talking about much of anything. Wednesday or Thursday. The last time I saw the white squirrel was that day I was travelling through time (shh)

now I'm not going to get ahead of myself. I'm always getting ahead of myself. I know that just because the nameless connective god-universe-thing manifests itself to you as magenta pink light in the sky doesn't mean the storm is over. You're not out of the woods just because you swell and burst and are overcome by that feeling--you know the one you've been questioning lately because it used to come so easily when you were stoned, and now that you're not stoned, you question; question why not?, question why ever?, question if ever?

so you go dark. you get jaded, but you wait.

and then one fucking conversation fixes everything? (no we are not getting ahead of ourselves)

but it wasn't just one conversation, was it? a whole string of events, and it just keeps happening

drive in the heat, look up old music
go to guitar shop, reminders of artifacts and more old music
sometime, read dream of old friend that so artfully lays out concept I'd fumbled through explaining a day or so earlier, so much so it strikes me
other, smaller things
have conversation online with Tony. he says he wants to call to tell me things. he has "many things to tell me" even though we'd just talked for an hour. I thought it was odd.
an hour or so later we get on the phone while he is driving to Mr Johnson's. not a long conversation.
just long enough for him to tell me he's into quantum physics
to explain, in short terms, the properties of entanglement
energies created together, no matter how far they stray from the other, will still experience the same changes
I considered bringing up the similarities I've noticed in the relationship of mine vs Des' vs Michele's, which has interested me a long time, but the conversation was short so I let it pass
but he went on to use that entanglement in reference to people
the more time you spend with someone, the more experiences you share, the greater your energies intertwine
he told me
that I was the first person to introduce him
that he used to think I was a bit crazy
until he tuned in and started noticing
and I thanked him. because I needed to hear it. I needed to hear something like that.
but I felt nothing.
start pacing.
he tells me about his chakras
(inwardly, I laugh at how people have changed since I left the state)
and how he has experienced a buzzing (while stoned)
(I laugh again)
that starts in his forehead, and he can move it around
I feel myself actually blocking. motherfuckin' shuttin' down. I felt that happening
and I feel the weight trying to press down on me, the trains are singing now, trying to incite
have you ever had anything like that happen? he asks me
in a strange, wavering voice
Oh, Tony, I said, holding my head unconsciously, I don't know
I told him briefly about a thing or two I had experienced
but it has been so long since I started all of this
since I was introduced
back when all this music I've been searching out was new to me
scatter, refocus he said to me
think about it. just think about it all for a few minutes, he says. I always feel things make more sense after I've talked to you.
thanks, I say. shake my head, hang up the phone

look out the window and realize those are not trains singing
they are tornado sirens
the sky above my house is dangerous
my heart races for the first time in weeks, months
panic, calm myself down
almost forget everything in fear
horrible, insidious fear
have the distinct feeling that if I want to see a tornado
like in the dreams
if I want to see it in my backyard or the street
like in dreams
the fear will bring it
walking the very border between creation and reality
and I push that thought entirely out of my mind
still, afraid, yes, sitting in the stairwell, watching the winds pick up
eventually pacing the house from window to window

we pick up there
that feeling, I wish I could fully impress but by its very nature I know it isn't possible
unless you've felt it before too and maybe then you can know what I am talking about and tune into it
attempting to understand everything from carnations to dead birds
this could be heaven. (in the playlist, yes. a song I associate with what? oh, that color pink -- also green)
storms
the pink sky
I cry
I sit down
Katie--spiritual learning godling--on facebook posted a song called Sister and wrote a message. "Snap crackle pop" etc
"I wish I could show you what I just saw--"
I started to type
the thumbnail
for the video, a video of soundwaves
that color pink
bursting out of a black screen
the last two lines of the song
"I'll put you right in it.
I'll show you the sky."

Katie shared with me. she sat on the couch and I could feel it radiating
Lao Tzu quote
the air after the storm was cool and sweet and fall like
not at all like the hellish death heat
I went to bed
I woke up
it keeps happening
my daily horoscope, the one I mostly ignore
says to me
hard to make use of good intention because you feel .scattered
as the day unfolds you will regain your .focus
maybe it's hard to trust your intuition, but it is better...
I remembered the white squirrel
I checked to see if old friend had any more dreams
no. but coincidences that feed right in to the whole damn thing
"the secret gift of the universe."

I love Sunday.