I have more to say but I don't know if I'll get to it this morning, or today at all, so let me just say this to myself.

It is more important now, in these times than any other, to be writing here. If it's true that I can finally speak honestly to myself here, and I know it's true that I can write the way I need to here, then it is important for me to do so, if I can do it nowhere else. I need the clarity of looking at my own words now and in the future. I need to be able to look at these things I'm feeling and rationalize them, chart them, diminish and make sense of them.

I'm not saying this is the worst depressive period I've had--I'm sure it isn't. But situation-based depression (not working, no money) is compounded by standard low-mood cycle and whatever the blue hell else goes on in my body--and it isn't going well.

This not-sleeping for instance is unusual. [The sleeping all the time, now that is "normal."] Sure, it might not seem unusual, but the days of 24-48 hour binge wakefulness are well behind me. Now I reach 18 hours awake and I am wiggling and threatening collapse.

Every time I fall down I eventually stand up and I feel like every time I stand up I take one bewildered look around before I'm on the floor again.

It's really getting kinda old.

So here I am to purge my wicked thoughts as scheduled, so I can keep better track of myself, and hopefully, to remind myself there are only a few more hours left in August.