so. yeah. right. okay. that this is my first entry since the last should tell you much about what the last three weeks of my life was like. I sat on the couch and moved so little. couldn't read. couldn't think about anything more complicated than the golden girls, roseanne, and the hunger games.

it was almost as though i'd forgotten i'd ever had a job. the dizziness increased after the surgery so i had to go on prednisone. i spent all my energy on sweating and only slept every 24-32 hours.

the ringing in my ear swelled til it sounded like it was coming from a mallet on a treetrunk.

doped up on narcotics, frozen food, and the sims. brain melt and body spread. sit and wait and sit and wait and do nothing.

at least i was able to avoid much of these harsh winter days. at least it got me through the second half of the first month of not smoking cigarettes. at least i stewed in my own juices until i just couldn't take it anymore.

after my fifth consecutive episode of i love lucy, mania kicked in and rejected the bed rest.

now i've cooked for four days in a row (more than i've cooked in the last year combined). i've begun the process of organizing and deep cleaning the house. i'm back at work (at least half-time). and goddamn it, i can drive. me behind the wheel of a fuuuckiignnnnn carrrrrrr.

it's only been four years.

and for the first time, since i have had so long to sit here and stumble over thoughts for hours on end, i am able to recognize even more about the things that happen in my head. and i can temper myself. i don't have to soar. i don't have to run myself ragged. i can trickle through this energy and use it to my best ability and hopefully create something sustainable, instead of something that ricochets endlessly from one extreme to the other.