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thoughts for new year's day

02 January 2015
5:35 pm

I was expecting more of the burst last night, I think. Like when I'm gonna come, but I don't, and then I'm just tired, so I get that deflated feeling and go to sleep. It was kind of like that except without disappointment.
I think I just had the burst earlier in the day. Heh. But.
I've realized that what I was feeling was like, picking up the needle and starting the record over. The song will be different this time, but I'm still... everything I wanted from last year, everything I wanted to start last new years... I had to deal with the depression, and therefore kk, first.
So I started to feel bad, like.. all this time I thought I was trying to do things for myself and I really wasn't, no wonder I couldn't blah blah.
But I need to quit with that shit. Let's be honest. I was okay, but getting fired broke me. Of course it would. Why wouldn't it? After everything else last year, of course. But two things. 1. I didn't make it any worse. I didn't get reckless. I have kept my bills.. well, we can't say up to date, haha, but everything is on. I didn't die, and nobody had to come rescue me. 2. It's been three months. Which feels like a really long time, but really, for where I was and what I was dragging myself out of? It really fucking isn't. When I tell the story later, I won't say it took a year, I won't say longer, I'll say, "and then it took me three months to really pull myself back together."
And, in all that time, especially in those three months, I did something I've never done, which is to properly deal with the end of a relationship. It's okay now. It's okay.
I knew I was getting a seal, and I wanted a burst anyway. But this isn't a burst. I'm not going to get a dramatic shift in my resolve, because there's nothing wrong with my resolve! I had that burst of resolve a week ago when my mom got here! I know what the plan is. I know what the rules are. I don't know everything yet, but when do I ever?
I got the seal. The only.. god this is awful .. the only imagery I can think to relay the feeling is in the second to last Twilight movie when Bella's heart stops. (Just... shhh.) She's laying there, unconscious, going through her vampire transition, and the last of her blood is.. going where ever it goes, drying up or some shit, I don't actually know. The last drop is gone and her heart stops beating (which everyone in the house can hear because supernatural) and there's this stillness, this silence, and everyone looks around in anticipation. They're excited to meet the new her, but they don't know what to expect. Will she retain control? Will she try to eat the baby?
Of course Bella is fine! She's a supervamp. But that's not the point. The point is the seal. The last drop is gone. I've gone through transition. Now I get to learn how to live.