rwd fwd
msg on the dl
random! older

get it together, woman

16 September 2019
3:44 am

I'm pre-period, so I'm trying to take that into account, but I'm crying at everything (this is not new anymore). It's like my face leaks. Happy, sad, entirely neutral.. doesn't matter. My lip quivers when I hold it in. I hiccup. I always try to hold it in. I am a child. A thirty-six year old child who works at a corner store and still hasn't learned how to fucking fill out a piece of paper on time. If I don't fix this one posthaste, I'll have to pay for next month's meds out of pocket. I might have to, anyway. That will be FUN.

This phone doesn't always autocorrect the apostrophe into contractions, the iphone trained me. I've stopped caring. Grown to like it even, maybe. The same way I do lowercase letters and sentence fragments.

It is a compounded sadness at the season change. I'm sad that I get the Winter Fear. Two for one. Right now, we're in a blast of late summer. Maybe 86 in a couple days. A couple days ago, I saw wool and puffy vests. This inspires madness, and I dont like the way I act. Currently a sullen temperament. I'm making a list of winter survival thoughts and activities. Again, again. I feel like last year was better, and I'm feeling sorry for myself because social situations out of my control make this year feel different.

I havent been to therapy in almost a year. Maybe a year? I dont remember exactly. Say that to myself and understand that things were not perfect last year. I started missing appointments because I was getting shaky. I got knocked about by social stuff, and then I got cut off. And I got to go on a cruise, and that whole trip, which was a fun and good experience, but I still didnt fully enjoy myself. The cold followed us, and so did my head.

Today I sat between my boyfriend and his sister and played editor while they finished up their submissions for a writing contest. I thought about that Betsy Lerner book I read half of. If I remember correctly, in that first part she talks about trying to gain traction as a writer. The second part is where she realizes she has more success as an editor. I didnt continue.

Again, it was fun, but after, I was tired and moody. I dont like how I acted. Sullen and twitchy. I'm feeling some twitchy cramps now. I want to go to sleep. I dont want to have shitty dreams again and wake up with the day already against me.