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too many gummi bears

12 January 2020
4:20 am

In an alternate timeline I just died eating a gummi bear while lying in bed

which I keep doing because I am hooked on gummi bears

that's one substance still with me, sugar. sugar sugar sugar and corn juice. which explains why I have a bottle of powerade snuggled up in my side pillows (not to be confused with magnificent snake-like pregnancy pillow). sadly I bought a blue powerade, which is my second favorite, but there is a new blue and I got it by accident. I DON'T LIKE IT and now I am filled with night rage. this is not a fair shake, I just ate a woodsful of gummi bears, and expecting one thing but tasting another is no time to form an opinion. I freak out now, I freak out. my god, you should have seen me the first time I tried to use this pillow - I reacted like I was under attack. this brain's surprises never cease

The furnace is busted again, and in another timeline I am very, very cold, but luckily in this timeline I have a space heater, an electric blanket, and a bedpartner who radiates heat.

In this timeline, and probably most of them, my coworker/sort-of manager is an ass, and today I uttered, "you know what, man? Eat a... ugh, whatever. I'm not in the mood for your shit today." Then I walked away from him and ignored him until he left. Haha I almost told someone to eat a dick, and probably in earshot of a customer. That is very unlike me, but that is how angry he makes me. He doesn't know the effort I put forth to be nice to him, to be understanding. He says dumb, rude stuff to me all the time. So I ignored him because I wanted to show him what the opposite was like, and I didn't want to say anything further I might regret. And I ignored him because, if I push back, he backs down, and then I sense the 'he's a fucked-up little boy' feeling and I feel bad, but I didn't want to betray myself again. This isn't my responsibility. I'm not going to make people feel better for hurting me anymore. I'm not out to fix anyone anymore. I'm not going to try to teach him how to act like a grown human or a manager because I'm not getting paid for it, he won't listen, I'm exhausted, and I don't want to.

Ugh, I was so angry all day and now I feel bad. What if he lies awake thinking about these things too? What if he's more upset by his wife kicking him out than he let's on (of course he is)? What if what if what if

What if, for once, I could let it remain not my circus and be allowed to manage my feelings in the context of only myself? Sigh.