nobody understands because i haven't been explaining very well. and i'm really trying now. and i know that means that it will probably make even less sense because it will be so screwed up. but i'm really trying and that means that what comes out will probably be truth because when i try i can do things. but screwed up or not, this is the way it IS, this is the way i have to deal with things, and i can only hope those who i care about will understand that if nothing else. definetly gonna be screwed up though. i mean. "when i try i can do things." that has been so obvious to everyone who tells me that but now i have to believe them so i have to say them. ridiculousness.

i don't know if i've had any revelations. everything just seems different. i mean, it is. but. this new years was weird. it was the first in how many years that i hadn't spent it with the same people. and had i tried it would have only been a fraction of the people, a fraction of what i used to really feel at new years. and from what steph told me they watched old videos of birthday parties and stuff. so i would have gotten really depressed. and what kind of way is that to start of the new year. so i started it with different people and maybe that helped. i don't know. i sort of feel like i just came out of some big dream or like the apocolypse sort of happened in a less disastrous way and now i'm sitting here and i feel almost energized by the whole event. like i've dropped all kinds of weight and now i'm ready to move. the way i've described it to a few people is this: these past three days is all there is. eighteen years and eleven months haven't just disappeared. they're not any less colorful, or any less important. this is geeky, but it's like installing a new harddrive. it's there, just stored away.

that's so geeky, i'm not even going to elaborate.

but that's really what it's like. i can access it whenever i want and it's still very much a part of me but i have this whole new element added in. a clean slate, in a way. and i've tried to make myself do this before but never has it lasted, and additionally, never has it felt this strong in it's inception. i mean look. i have WORDS. i haven't had words in quite a while. and it honestly feels really good. and i'm talking. and saying what i really feel. and i just want to smother myself in it.

this next bit is going to sound divinely ridiculous and overly superstitious. i bought this candle at natural wonders a while back. and with this 'goddess energy' candle came a necklace that was also supposed to empower your.. energy, or whatever. so i wore it. i went to another store where a woman asked if it was a fertility charm. i promptly removed the necklace.

i found it a week ago when i started the first phase of turned out to be the most significant room cleaning of my life. already it'd proven to be one of those emotional cleansings as well. i'd taken something i'd had forever, a knicknack that had probably been kept so long on the pure principle that i'd had it for so long, and i threw it in the fire. and the stone that was a part of it is still in the ashes. i purposely asked my dad to leave it there. he must have understood because he didn't ask.

eventually i unearthed this necklace. i looked at it and realised i'd always quite liked it. so i wrapped the cord around the charm and i held it in my hands and i just thought of what i wanted to accomplish, who i wanted to be, what i wanted to do. and i've been wearing it since then.

maybe it is overly superstious, but i guess that's what i thrive on anyway, so as long as it works i'll never open an umbrella inside.